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I cooked with cat food so you don't have to
by Simon Balissat
I've eaten rotten fish and you should too!
3.10.2019
Translation: machine translated
Video: Stephanie Tresch
A chain of unfortunate circumstances led to me having to eat the Swedish rotten fish Surströmming. I went into the rectum of the food industry and came out a new person.
The stench is acrid. Imagine a train station toilet that hasn't been cleaned for a month, combined with an overflowing faeces tank and a carcass collection point. That's surströmming and I'm going to put that in my mouth...
What has happened so far
In the new Galaxus advert, the protagonist eats cat food. So I had the idea of cooking with cat food. My colleagues thought it was such a great idea that it was chosen from ten others. So I won the competition of shit ideas. I then ate cat food.
My boss Aurel found a new challenge for me in the comments to the article above: Surströmming. With a hundred upvotes, I should eat Swedish rotten fish. Surströmming is legendary - at least its smell is. The fact that the upvotes broke the 100 barrier within a day came as no surprise to anyone.
Thanks for nothing, Community
You guys gave me tips on how to eat the fish. So me and video producer Stephi went to the Limmat to eat. That's not quite true. Stephi was allowed to film, I had to eat. To avoid a mishap, I filled a bowl with water. The can is pressurised. If you don't open it under water, the contents spread everywhere.
To avoid having to eat the fish just like that, I organised crispbread, sour cream and red onions. To wash it down, beer and, above all, schnapps. You recommended aquavit, but I still had vodka in a skull bottle with skull shot glasses, which I thought was appropriate for my plans. As with cat food, the "mask the flavour and it'll be fine" strategy wasn't going to work. The agony begins as soon as you open the tin...
Who invented this??
It's the stench of decay, urine and rotten fish that bites your nose as soon as gas escapes from the can. Who was the first person to eat a fish like this? Did they have no taste buds? Or was it an emergency?
I can only imagine it like this:
Once upon a time, there was a fisherman in Sweden who went about his business all alone on an island. He fished for herrings and then laid them out to dry on a wooden rack in front of his little hut, where he spent the summer fishing. All of a sudden, a storm came up. Nothing unusual for the time of year. But this storm was so violent and lasted so long that the man was unable to leave his island. First days passed, then weeks. The supplies were soon used up and the fisherman became increasingly desperate.
Then he remembered the fish in front of the hut. It was already foul-smelling and rotting. After three days and three nights without food, the fisherman was so hungry that he reluctantly ate one of the herrings. Again, days and weeks passed without the storm abating. The fisherman continued to eat more of the stinking fish and began to like the flavour. The storm lasted a whole three months and when it finally subsided, the fisherman had eaten almost all the fish. He packed up the last few herrings and travelled back to his village in his boat, where the locals greeted the man they had thought dead with great amazement.
"But tell me: how did you survive this storm on your little island?" the mayor wanted to know and the fisherman explained the story of the rotten herrings. "This rotten fish is supposed to have saved your life?" the mayor asked incredulously and took a bite himself. He could barely get the small piece down and had to help himself with schnapps. "Yes, exactly, and it tasted really good in the end!" replied the fisherman, who was in excellent health.
The mayor believed in a miracle. He declared the bum herring a speciality and an elixir of life. Since then, the small village in Sweden has canned the herring every year and sent it around the world. The village lives in splendour. Just as Jesus turns water into wine, this village turns rotten fish into money. Everyone now sees it as a test of courage to put the rotten fish in their mouths. There is only one person who really likes herring. The fisherman eats his fill of rotten herring every day and lives happily ever after.
Delaying tactics
Just as I delayed telling my experiences with this little story, I delayed eating the rotten herring with vodka shots, cigarettes and poor excuses. "We still need photos of the fish! No, the arrangement is bad! It's starting to rain, let's cancel the exercise!" It was no use.
Chomping on the rotten fish is a gruesome experience. It drives the acrid odour across the palate from behind into the nose. The consistency is soft, slimy and yet with a bit of bite. Swallowing it down inevitably leads to nausea. I've been a new person ever since.
I am eternally grateful when there is overcooked pasta with ready-made bolognese in the canteen. I'm so happy when I'm offered a chicken nugget and no longer grumble about how rubbish the mashed chicken tastes. I'll even give my absolute pet hates a chance and try the scrambled egg, fried egg and three-minute egg.
Reincarnation through surströmming!
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Simon Balissat
Teamleader Editorial
Simon.Balissat@digitecgalaxus.chWhen I flew the family nest over 15 years ago, I suddenly had to cook for myself. But it wasn’t long until this necessity became a virtue. Today, rattling those pots and pans is a fundamental part of my life. I’m a true foodie and devour everything from junk food to star-awarded cuisine. Literally. I eat way too fast.
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