I cooked with cat food so you don't have to
4.9.2019
In the new Galaxus advert, Mum eats her cat's food because her four-legged friend refuses to eat it. Yuck, you think? And rightly so!
Salmon. That's probably what humans like best, I think to myself as I buy the small portion of cat food. Unfortunately, I only took a closer look at the ingredients when I got home. It says "WILD SALMON * MSC 4 %" in brackets. Otherwise, the cat food consists of "meat and animal by-products". What exactly are "animal by-products"? A quick internet search takes me to a federal website with the heading "animal diseases" and a photo of offal. I'll stop researching before I get nauseous.
What does the woman in our advert eat?
In the Galaxus advert, the main actress eats cat food with relish. It looks quite acceptable. It's supposed to be "Ähnschen", as the narrator emphasises chicken with a French accent. But I know that it's soya in sauce. No "animal by-products", but "main plant products". Now, at the latest, I regret the experiment of cooking with cat food. This wonderful idea was celebrated by my colleagues. "That's a brilliant idea, especially as the new advert also shows her eating cat food". So there's no turning back now ...
.. or is there? There might be a way out: Cat food may be poisonous to humans. One last search. A straw in the wind.
BIIITTTEEE!
NOPE!
Completely unhealthy it is not.
Should I boil the food down for a long time and hope the flavour disappears? Bake it with cheese because everything tastes better with cheese? Or even deep-fry it, because EVERYTHING is better deep-fried?
After some deliberation, I decide in favour of an obvious tactic: over-seasoning. I want to make a kind of meat sauce. In other words, an "animal by-product sauce" with 4% MSC salmon. Tomatoes, onions and, above all, garlic should drown out the flavour of the "by-products". Cumin acts as a strong spice to make the residual flavour of the cat food disappear completely. So there is "Oriental cat food penne". Two thirds of this title sounds incredibly tasty.
This tastes like vomit...
Now the dish is steaming in front of me. I rub a lot of cheese over it out of embarrassment. I want to delay the moment when I have to shove the first fork into my mouth. The smell of cat food hits my nose. My brain blocks out the garlic, cheese, onions, tomatoes and cumin. There is only the slightly foul, meaty odour of "animal by-products" in my nose. Even as a child, I hated having to feed the cat. I hated the smell of the food. I hated the texture of the pieces of jellied meat when I had to cut them up easily with a fork and push them into the food bowl. I had forgotten how ugly it all was. The grey pieces of cat food peek out in the tomato sauce as if they were offal in a pool of blood. No human should have to eat something like that. In fact, not even a cat should have to eat something like that. I ask myself:
Will I ever be able to eat tomato sauce again?
Will I ever be able to eat penne again?
Will I ever be able to eat anything again?
And then the fork is in my mouth.
I try not to breathe in through my nose. Luckily the penne is al dente. At least the liver-like consistency of the cat food disappears under the bite of the pasta. The fourth time I chew, the sour, foul flavour of the "animal by-products" spreads through my mouth ... I swallow everything in a panic.
Once into culinary hell
When I visited Turin in spring, I ordered an ancient local dish at the restaurant "Tre Galline": a "financiera". Finanziera combines offal, chicken combs and veal brains in a tangy vinegar sauce. I had to try it. I don't particularly like offal, but this was the house speciality. With a lot of effort and even more red wine, I devoured the dish. I had the most difficulty with the livers, which I don't like the consistency of.
As I've just swallowed the penne with cat food, I long for the Finanziera. Eating cat food is sheer horror. The idea, the smell, the taste. Everything about it is wrong. I question myself, my career, my life. Everything passes before my mind's eye. The seventh level of hell in Dante's "Divine Comedy" should begin here. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemies. I now only have the dubious honour of saying: "I've cooked with cat food and I'll never do it again".
Simon Balissat
Teamleader Editorial
Simon.Balissat@digitecgalaxus.chWhen I flew the family nest over 15 years ago, I suddenly had to cook for myself. But it wasn’t long until this necessity became a virtue. Today, rattling those pots and pans is a fundamental part of my life. I’m a true foodie and devour everything from junk food to star-awarded cuisine. Literally. I eat way too fast.
Cooking
Follow topics and stay updated on your areas of interest
Home + Kitchen
Follow topics and stay updated on your areas of interest
Food
Follow topics and stay updated on your areas of interest
34 comments
later