One toy to rule them all

One toy to rule them all

Martin Jud
Zurich, on 03.07.2019
Translation: Patrik Stainbrook
Sometimes I like myself. And other times, I really love myself. In those cases, I like to use my hands. Combined with the penis and the brain, a genius squad emerges. But what happens when this power trio is shook up by toys?

After completing a particularly vigorous session, as well as the few minutes of depressed self-reflection that follow it, I finally bring up the courage to do it with a piece of plastic. And first up is a silicone recreation of a pornstar's vagina. I also have a heart rate monitor. You usually stick this on your finger. Fortunately, it also works on your big toe.

But let's start from the beginning: I'm in Taiwan for work. And since I'm pretty lonely in the evenings, I took three different toys with me for scientific purposes.

Fleshlight, a gooey travel pussy and six surprise eggs

I didn't handpick my toys of choice myself. I have to thank our Category Management for surprising me with a surprise package. The following products will be included in this review:

I also requested a heart rate monitor:

Hey, having some way to compare these items will be useful. But that's not all I need to truly create an authentic testing environment.

The rule of the tool

Now naturally, you can't simply sit down and start going medieval on yourself. First, I take some time to think about what could muddle my trials. If my wife were present for example, a mediocre toy could score much higher than it actually deserves. Furthermore, it is widely known that warmer temperatures don't only affect the pulse but also hormone secretion. Thankfully, my air-conditioned hotel room in Taipeh doesn't just stabilise the temperature at 21 °C, I'm not at risk of getting barged in on at the time being.

The golden rules when testing toys:

  • Test alone and in neutral surroundings.
  • The only allowed additions to your session include lubricant, your imagination and, occasionally, some good old pornography.
  • The room temperature shall stay at 21 °C.

The benchmark: pulse and pleasure

In order to closer quantify my sessions, I measure my heart rate during the tests. I list the highest reading in each case. This'll probably occur when I'm surfing on the wonderful wave of pleasure that is the moment before climax – or during the orgasm itself. As the pulse tends to vary from person to person and activity to activity, I decide to collect the following variables based on myself:

ActivityMeasured pulse
Resting65 bpm
Working83 bpm
Working while stressed91 bpm
Working in 30 °C103 bpm
Jogging142 bpm
Strength training*165 bpm
*Strength training consists of 30 seconds of squats, Australian pull ups, bench dips, push ups, Russian twists and split lunges. There's a 15 second break between each exercise. I measure my pulse after a total of four cycles, i.e. twelve minutes of pure training time.

The second index is more important, but is harder to quantify. I decide to document my feeling of pleasure on a scale from one to ten. In this case, one stands for «I could literally be sleeping» while ten represents the most earth-shattering teeth-grinding experience of ecstasy possible:

  1. I'm as limp as an overcooked noodle.
  2. Uh, is that all?
  3. Better than nothing.
  4. Pleasant, but one test is enough.
  5. Not that bad, I enjoyed it.
  6. Ooh, I'm a little surprised by you.
  7. Oh baby, that's certainly something.
  8. Oh yeah, start talking dirty!
  9. Wow, this is so fun!
  10. A literal unimaginable burst of pleasure.

Let the games begin

Aside from the toys, I'll also run an independent test using only my good old hands. I'll spare you the minute details concerning technique and skill level. Not when it comes to the toys, however.

Tenga Egg

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Tenga's eggs come in multipacks. I got a whopping six of them. Due to their shape and size, multiple questions immediately pop into my head before the test. What's in it and how does this toy actually work? Can I reuse it?

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When you open an egg, you'll find a round 5cm tall and 4.5 cm wide silicone casing with a small opening at the bottom. The cavity on the inside of the egg is ribbed. Each egg has an individual texture to it. This way, each egg gives you a slightly different experience.

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Each egg comes with a masturbator and lubricant. Seems like a good idea. Not using these would certainly become a very raw experience. To use the egg, stretch the small opening at the bottom with your fingers. Then simply plop the egg over your helmet. Your penis will look a bit like a mushroom – don't let that ruin your mood. The material feels like an interesting combination of silicone and wax.

To masturbate with it, pull the elastic egg along the shaft down and up again. It should feel as if entering a mouth. As the material is elastic but still offers a certain amount of resistance, this imaginary «mouth» creates a sensation of hitting the throat when plunging deep into the silicone depths. Not bad. I wasn't expecting a blowjob at the start of this. I close my eyes and enjoy the toy, or to be exact, the combination of toy and imagination. I completely forget about the heart rate monitor on my toe. During another egg session, it displays a highest value of 137 bpm.

When it comes to the experience as a whole, I can compare it to an average blowjob. The eggs could certainly benefit from some more passion and a tongue. It's a 5 under pleasure.

There's one more question I must answer – reusability. To cut a long story short: no, you definitely should not keep this masturbator as a companion for the ages. Depending on the intensity of your experience, you can use one individual egg one to two times. The material deforms quickly, gets dents and can even rip.

Fleshlight Quickshot Vantage

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Quickshot, why is it called that? Are only quickies allowed? Anyway, this new-age innovative travel pussy is 8.8 cm long and (thankfully) open on both ends. It consists of a wide plastic ring around a slick gooey mass hidden behind a 1.8 cm wide entry. The transparent material is stretchy and ribbed. Among other uses, the manufacturer is promoting this product as an added bonus to blowjobs.

Source: fleshlight.eu
Source: fleshlight.eu

Personally, this thing would irritate me more than it would pleasure me while receiving the good succ. As I'm by myself either way, I quickly put any of these thoughts out of my mind and focus on the tried and tested method of using this device.

I get into the mood, rip open the accompanying packet of lube and get everything nice and moist. When inserting my fingers into the Quickshot Fleshlight it reminds me of jelly pudding or the gelatine coating on fruit cakes. At this thought a cold shiver runs down my spine and my half-chub quickly deflates. Okay, I wasn't ready for that. I think I'll need some digital assistance to truly get things going.

The slow Wifi in the Asian hotel room isn't really beneficial to my dilemma, but after some time I find the right stuff to reignite my mojo. With new-found lust I dive in – literally, as I thrust my trusty rod into the slippery mass. It feels as if I'm doing it with a can filled with wet gummi bears. Not really my bag, baby. I quickly abort the experiment after a few harrowing minutes. Judging from the 112 bpm heart rate, I must have been getting some sort of stimulation out of it. I'm barely aroused, this thing gets a 2.

If you're a fan of this toy instead, then you'll have to pay good attention to maintenance. After use you can rinse it out with warm water (don't use soap as it can damage the material) before applying a toy cleaner such as Fleshwash to disinfect it and let it dry.

Fleshlight Nicole Aniston Fit

From the outside, this 25.40 cm Fleshlight resembles a thermos flask or an oversized flashlight. And as soon as you open it, BAM! A near-perfect recreation of a vagina. At least, that's what you could think at first glance. On closer inspection, I notice a signature that looks sort of like scarring.

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This is probably meant for collectors who can't just tell their prized possessions apart by the shape and size alone. In my case, the signature is courtesy of Nicole Aniston. However, the vagina, aside from the signature, is an extremely accurate representation of the flesh and blood original.

By the way: Fleshlight products aren't just selling like hotcakes in the Galaxus shop, they're the most successful men's sex toy in the world. And in addition to vulvae, anuses and mouths, there are also some very special models. Fancy an alien vagina?

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If you prefer a different exterior design, there's always sex-in-a-can.

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No matter if you have a vampire or werewolf mouth or even a dragon-vagina in front of you; Fleshlights don't only differ externally. The structures of the interior also differ. Here's a cross-section of Nicole Aniston's vagina:

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One touch and I'm already impressed. It feels soft, supple and relatively genuine. This first impression is only intensified when adding lube. I'm already excited. In contrast to the slippery mess from before, I can get along more than easily using only my mind. I enter for the first time. I am suddenly overcome by a warm and comforting embrace and am nearly duped into thinking this was the real thing. Well, that's certainly a surprise.

Even though I don't really like Nicole except for the vagina, she's really giving me a unique experience. I start out classically. I hold it in my hands, moving it up and down. My pulse rises to 141 bpm. Then some advice from my wife pops into my head and I change position: I place the Fleshlight between the two mattresses of my big box spring bed. Lo and behold; doggystyle and missionary position are even more convincing. My heart rate shoots up to 148 bpm. When closing my eyes, I do miss out on the movements of my partner and her sensual kisses. But this toy could easily pass as a real vagina. The pleasure rating on this thing is a 7. At least. And it makes me curious – how do other models feel in comparison?

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After use, clean the Fleshlight by pulling the artificial vagina out of the sleeve and rinsing it thoroughly under warm water. First the outside, then flush the inside channel from both sides. Make sure not to use soap with this toy either. Oils can damage the material. After rinsing, you can use either the Fleshwash toy cleaner or another disinfectant to combat fungi and bacteria. You'll also need corn starch or Renewing Powder. Without regular application of the powder, the velvety artificial skin becomes sticky after just a few sessions and is quickly reminiscent of the Fleshlight Quickshot Vantage. This doesn't have to be.

Giving yourself a hand

My hands are in good shape and have been going strong for two decades straight. Few can hold a candle to them. Nevertheless, Nicole Aniston's vagina may have done it. Still, the only objective way to gauge this is with a direct comparison.

The heart rate when using my hands blows any rivals out of the water: 153 bpm. I'm really starting to get into it, but I'm not to the moon just yet. I'm still undecided between my palms and the artificial vulva, so I grade them both at a strong 7.

Verdict: Master-bation?

I can still remember that show with Lilo Wanders quite clearly. Around the early 2000's, some guy on «Wa(h)re Liebe» created his own Fleshlight out of two calf livers and a thermos can. Pure carnal lust, so to speak – or rather horror par excellence? In any case, the 25 cm long Fleshlight should outstrip both the liver-based utensil as well as anyone who has ever squeezed to soft fleshy materials into a can and gone to town on it. Even if it's all make believe, the sensations raging through your mind when using it make one hell of an impact. You can clearly see that in the final table.

Toy / ActivityMeasured pulsePleasure rating
Resting65 bpm
Working83 bpm
Working while stressed91 bpm
Working in 30 °C103 bpm
Fleshlight Quickshot Vantage112 bpm2 – «Uh, is that all?»
Tenga Egg137 bpm5 – «Not that bad, I enjoyed it.»
Jogging142 bpm
Fleshlight Nicole Aniston Fit148 bpm7 – «Oh baby, that's certainly something.»
Hand-assisted masturbation153 bpm7 – «Oh baby, that's certainly something.»
Strength training165 bpm

However, I cannot recommend the «Fleshlight Quickshot Vantage». Unless bathing in gelatine really gets you going, I guess. Soft moist gummy bears belong in my mouth, not around my penis. Alternatively, get your hands on the eggs. At least they're fun and don't just satisfy your curiosity. Too bad the eggs aren't reusable. But at least you can sometimes use them twice. This means that you only spend around 3.66 francs for a mediocre «egg blow job» (as of the 3rd of July 2019).

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And hey; if you don't have a toy, don't be sad. As this review shows, the hand is often truly mightier than the toy.

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Martin Jud
Martin Jud
Editor, Zurich
I find my muse in everything. When I don’t, I draw inspiration from daydreaming. After all, if you dream, you don’t sleep through life.

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