The Durex advent calendar is a mood killer
No. Just no. I don’t want the Durex advent calendar, and I wouldn’t buy it for anyone else either. It’s just impersonal and wrong.
The long, square but relatively slim box looks very promising. There could be something decent inside. But I was disappointed as soon as I opened it because the box itself is the advent calendar. This means that there’s no unnecessary packaging – I’ll give them that – but it doesn’t do its appearance any good. The inside of the box is just Durex blue decorated with a few snowflakes, a Christmas tree and the instructions printed in white. Semi-sexy at best.
It’s not just the packaging that looks pretty cheap; most of the contents do too. The «Do It Yourself» calendar for two contains boring paper bags printed with a snowflake pattern and Durex blue stickers numbered from 1 to 24 to package the ten physical gifts and 14 (!) «vouchers». I could have designed it better myself, and I’m no artist.
It’s not just the cards themselves that lack creativity – the messages leave a lot to be desired, including «Choose a new position» and «Sexy shower». Guaranteed to revolutionise your sex life. And a bit of inspiration in the form of different positions might not be a bad idea. A vague «voucher» won’t do much for people who haven’t had a very varied sex life up to now or aren’t confident enough to be more adventurous. A QR code takes you to the website and you’ll find out that you can use condoms in the shower and that you should try not to stress if you run into any difficulties. But having to look it up isn’t all that sexy.
The right size is better than orange flavour
And then there are the material gifts. I won’t pass judgement on their quality, just the selection and their effects. There are three different packs of condoms, four lubes and gels and three sex toys. Although there are only two different types of toys: a mini vibrator and two penis rings, so ideas aren’t the only things in short supply. Condoms are a smart addition, so to speak, but you do need the right size so they really feel like a second skin. That’s something Durex should really know.
The calendar contains a «Thin Feel» pack in Durex’s standard size (52 mm width) and individual «Performa» and «Pleasure Me» varieties in large – 56 mm and 53 mm widths respectively. Come again? The «Pleasure Me» condoms are multicoloured and fruit flavoured – and smell like a mixture of Haribo gold bears and plastic – and the «Performa» ones claim to enable longer-lasting sex, but there are no details on how they help you achieve it. Maybe it’s the anatomical fit that the others don’t have. Good sex needs everyone to feel comfortable, which is more likely to happen with a well-fitting condom than a coloured one.
Along with three normal lubes, which are definitely useful, the box also contains Intense Orgasmic Gel. According to the packaging, it «intensifies her satisfaction». A few drops of this stimulating gel on the clitoris claims to take any female orgasm to the next level. The concept might be well-meaning, but how about asking a woman what she likes before reaching for the gel, which shouldn’t come into contact with eyes, broken skin or wounds? Most women have a pretty good idea of what feels good from masturbating.
The most impressive part is the price
Anyway, the calendar has already been reduced from 84.50 to 59 francs, so you’ve got your money’s worth with just the condoms, orgasm gel and lube. If you were already planning to purchase these items, then the calendar is definitely worth it. But everyone else would probably add more spice to their sex lives with a few sexy messages and making time for each other. Next year, I’ll be wishing for an advent calendar that comes in different sizes, so that everyone gets the right size condoms for them, and a few insights into female sexuality à la OMGyes instead of turning my clitoris into a chemistry experiment.