The people have decided. It’s high time for some new fighter jets. Now the Federal Council is faced with an important decision: which one? We’re happy to offer our services and aid in making the decision.
Currently, there are four different manufacturers for our government to choose from. Each model has a unique selling point that makes this a rather difficult choice.
The Flash: speedier than Superman
The Hornet: a tried and true companion
Cheval de bât: the French pack mule
Harry Potter's Cloak of Invisibility: the third Deathly Hallow
So, dear Swiss Federal Council: «Subito, Cambiare, Bibi.» We hope we were able to spare you from being spoilt for choice. We would be honoured to welcome you in our Zurich office for a cup of coffee. Alternatively, we would be happy to send a Galaxus delegation to Bern for further discussions.
Let’s kick the tyres and light the fires! Yours respectfully and in anticipation of a prompt response.
«Subito, Cambiare, Bibi.» According to the former military pilot language of the Swiss Air Force, known as the Bambini code (in German), this means: immediately, change, fighter aircraft. And this is precisely the current task of the Federal Council. Since we just so happen to offer solutions for B2B (Business to Business and/or Bundesrat) in addition to private customers, we are happy to help with the decision and procurement of possible models.
There’s fast, faster and then there’s the Eurofighter Typhoon. Cover your ears, because this Airbus plane penetrates the sound barrier like a greased lightning bolt. After a takeoff roll of less than 700 metres, its two Eurojet EJ200 turbofan engines propel it to a top speed of Mach 2.35. The Eurofighter reaches its maximum altitude of almost 20,000 metres above sea level with a climb rate of up to 315 metres per second. And thus, the aircraft, which is manufactured in Germany, Italy, Spain and Great Britain, casts quite a shadow over any record set by Ueli Steck.
The F/A-18 is no stranger to us. Switzerland already owns 30 of them. But to separate the latest model, the hornet was injected with steroids. Just as Charmander became Charizard, the F/A-18 became the Super Hornet. Thanks to continuous evolution, its wings are now 25 percent larger and the two engines deliver 35 percent more thrust. Also worth mentioning is the 33 percent increase in fuel capacity, which really stretches forth the Super Hornet’s flight range. This is absolutely of paramount importance in Switzerland.
Since the maiden flight in 1986, only 196 Rafales have been produced. A true limited edition. The Swiss Air Force had flirted with the idea of it before, but the Rafale was ultimately shot down at the urn in May 2014. But now the Rafale is back in the game. The Frenchman from the House of Dassault impresses most of all with his maximum load capacity. Sure, he's no Antonov An-225, but with a 9.5-ton weapon load capacity, he's a real pack mule among the fighter jets. This corresponds roughly to the weight of the large bell of the Bernese Cathedral (in German) or just about 100,000 Swiss Army knives. And even Billy Connolly would be afraid of so many Swiss Army Knives.
Thanks to the smart stealth technology of the Lockheed Martin F-35A, our neighbouring countries wouldn't notice if we accidentally left our airspace during office hours. After all, it takes only a brief second of inattention at the thrust controller and already we’ve invaded Germany. As long as the EU does not have the Marauder’s Map, we don’t have to lose any sleep over this. Thanks to the top speed of Mach 1.6, we can quickly zoom back into our alpine fortress. The flight time from Schaffhausen to Lugano doesn’t even take a full ten minutes with the F-35A Cloak of Invisibility.
The prices are negotiable, by the way. They’re currently based on models that have already been sold to other countries. The price includes the meticulous equipment of arms and necessary extras such as heated seats, rear-view camera, lane departure warning system and an Alcantara trim on the instrument panel. And as it turns out, we even offer a quantity discount in our shop since the beginning of the year. The bigger the ordered squadron, the more we can drill down the price.
