Food colouring
Quantity discount
CHF4.– per piece for 4 units CHF833.34/1l
Brauns Heitmann Egg colours
6 ml
Something for Valentine’s Day – with product recommendations
7.2.2022
Translation: Veronica Bielawski
I’m supposed to write an article for Valentine’s Day, but I can’t think of anything. So, here’s a piece on how I can’t think of anything – including a lovingly curated collection of product placements.
Sometimes, our newsroom is like a medieval battlefield: the general can’t always stay back and watch if the battle plan is working from the safety of a hill. Every now and then, he must fight in the frontline. That’s how I feel right now.
My brain has been in a fog for days. I can’t come up with any suitable tactics for dealing with an overpowering «enemy». In the midst of negotiations with other departments, I agreed to write an article in a moment of weakness. What’s the occasion? Valentine’s Day. It’s important you’re aware that occasion-based marketing is a big thing for companies that want to sell you stuff. They assume that otherwise you won’t realise that you need their great products.
Mother’s Day? The flower industry is rubbing its hands. Father’s Day? Razor manufacturers are ringing the register. Easter? A big day for egg dye manufacturers. Black Friday? … you get the idea.
Valentine’s Day is another one of those days that triggers the «seller’s reflex». I was given some trite tips: «showcase the breadth of our range», «offer good gift-giving advice», «make sure not to sound too cheap and sales-y». I did consider backing out – saying no or passing the job on to some poor sap in my team. Alas, I didn’t. I assumed I’d come up with something to write when the time came.
I. Was. Wrong.
In my search for inspiration, I first got stuck on a Wikipedia page about a Valentine. I know, I know: Wikipedia isn’t exactly a prime source – but what else was I to do in the season of (retail) January blues? In any case, Valentine of Passau, also known as Valentine of Rhaetia, is believed to have been an itinerant preacher in the fifth century. In the Catholic faith, he’s known for helping to relieve epilepsy, convulsions, gout and cattle epidemics. How romantic.
But that’s actually totally irrelevant, because another Valentine is associated with the day of celebration: St. Valentine of Terni. Terni is a city in present-day Umbria – and its best-rated church is Chiesa di San Salvatore, according to Google (4.7 stars!). It’s located diagonally across from an e-cigarette store. The fate of Valentine of Terni – beheaded in 269 – is no less romantic than that of the other Valentine. But at least he’s said to have married lovers during his time as an early Christian priest. Certainly not the smartest idea at the time of the Roman imperial crisis; emperors came and went. And while one found Christians quite okay – refreshing, even – the other had them persecuted and killed.
Valentine’s is said to have died on 14 February 269. Tales of his hard work before his untimely demise were passed down from generation to generation. Reportedly, he also used to gift flowers from his garden to the newlyweds. The guy had a green thumb, it seems. Or connections to the florist in Terni.
And the couples he wed are said to have been riding into the sunset on the pig’s back. I’m still quoting from Wikipedia here, by the way. Other sources on these traditions are a rare commodity. Or I simply didn’t find them due to lack of time and motivation.
Between Wikipedia and the Old Testament, I find myself at an impasse. A pop-up from Outlook promises me a way out. Subject: «Valentine's Day Sale – Live now!» From: HP Online Store. Printers?! As a Valentine’s Day gift? The person in charge of marketing at Hewlett-Packard must be in a very solid relationship. If I were to present my wife with a new Office Jet for Valentine’s Day, I might as well shove any amorous ambitions into the shredder myself.
Ha! Another suitable opportunity to link products. You’re welcome.
Interestingly, my inbox is full of Valentine’s Day messages. There’s a photo book service recommending I get a romantic photo printed on a pair of coffee mugs. Then there’s an online pharmacy telling me I should drink some ampoules to improve my skin’s elasticity. And Apple’s convinced you should gift AirPods with a personalised charging case. Oh, and I took the liberty of checking a potential message for you. But, unfortunately, «In case you want to mute me ... xoxo» is too long to engrave.
In my growing desperation, I ask Alexa for advice. She typically just about manages to add items to my shopping list or set a timer for my breakfast eggs. My expectations are low when I ask, «Alexa, what should I gift for Valentine’s Day?» She has no clue. Of course not. Instead, she suggests I ask something else: «How long is it until Valentine’s Day?» Alright then: «Alexa, how long is it until Valentine’s Day?» Alexa’s answer:
Valentine’s Day is in ten days. And I’m already practising the art of giving compliments. Here I go: your voice is as velvety as the fur of a freshly brushed Angora goat. Ok, ok. I still have more to learn in the art of giving compliments. Ask me again tomorrow.
I’ll pass on that, Alexa.
The situation looks increasingly hopeless. There’s no way I can morph this into a meaningful article that spreads shopping cheer for Valentine’s Day. And then, a stab in the back from Instagram. In my feed, there’s a recommendation for a pair of padded leggings to gift to my sweetheart. Have you smoked something, Meta? No wonder its shares are plummeting.
Time to prepare for surrender. You can lose a battle and still win the war in the end. This time, I admit defeat. The Valentine’s Day tips linked below this article prove that troupes of writers have fought to the last drop of ink in years past – typing their souls out with each hollow phrase. And what for? For naught. Enough! It ends this year. No more sacrifices.
Here’s the final selection of products.
The cover photo shows a plastic model of the head of Valentine, which was created in 2017, based on the head relic in the church of San Giorgio in Monselice.
Martin Jungfer
Head of Content
Martin.Jungfer@digitecgalaxus.chJournalist since 1997. Stopovers in Franconia (or the Franken region), Lake Constance, Obwalden, Nidwalden and Zurich. Father since 2014. Expert in editorial organisation and motivation. Focus on sustainability, home office tools, beautiful things for the home, creative toys and sports equipment.
6 comments
later