Background information
"Christmas is the perfect setting in which hidden conflicts can lead to separation"
by Martin Jungfer
Love in times of Corona
27.4.2020
Translation: machine translated
We now know how the pandemic is affecting toilet paper purchases and internet use. But what is the crisis doing to our interpersonal relationships? Sex therapist Ben Kneubühler talks about sex and love in times of corona.
Covid-19 has dominated the daily lives of many people around the world for several weeks now. Social contacts are being kept to a minimum, borders are being closed and queues are forming outside supermarkets. In Switzerland, most people are at home. Work and leisure take place within their own four walls for all non-systemically relevant employees and employers. Couples who live together suddenly see each other all the time. Those who live alone are suddenly contactless.
It seems obvious that these new living conditions can have an impact on the psyche and relationships. But do they really? I turned to Ben Kneubühler with this and other questions. The sex and couples therapist works in a practice in Zurich, where he counsels men, women and couples.
Can you tell us something about the way you work in the field of sex therapy?
Ben Kneubühler, psychologist specialising in psychotherapy: My clients' concerns often centre on lust - too much or too little of it - sexual arousal or orgasm that comes too early, too late or not at all. I don't just work with the mind, but also a lot with physical exercises and emotions.
What are these physical exercises?
If, for example, performance anxiety during sex leads to high physical tension, which puts the body more and more into stress mode and thus prevents an erection, we work on awareness and relaxation exercises. Stress levels can also be reduced through exercise and changes in breathing.
Has the coronavirus had an impact on your work?
Yes, the biggest impact is that I no longer go to the practice but have moved all sessions to the online setting. This works surprisingly well, except that it's much more tiring.
Are you currently receiving more enquiries from couples who are having difficulties with the new situation?Yes, although these difficulties only occasionally relate to sexuality. It's more about general disputes and dealing with closeness and distance.
For example, I recently received an enquiry from a couple. She works from home, but he still travels to work. This situation intensified her feeling of being alone, which also brought up old hurts. When he came home one evening and misunderstood something, she reacted extremely violently, reproachfully and even wanted to separate. He was blindsided and then withdrew more and more. Love is mostly about how affectionate, reliable and emotionally committed we perceive each other to be and how accepted we feel. In this example, she is becoming louder and more critical, he feels less and less accepted and withdraws. This in turn leads to her feeling even lonelier and criticising even more loudly. A vicious circle ensues.
Keyword closeness. Many couples have been together day and night since the outbreak of the virus. How can this affect the relationship?
For some, it's heaven on earth. They can finally spend a lot of time together and do things together that were previously neglected. Of course, disagreements, hurts and disappointments can have a greater impact because they are more present. Vicious circles can become more pronounced because there are fewer distractions. Even small things can suddenly get on your nerves.
The first step is to recognise them as such and to understand that in the end, both parties lose and are left hurt. The second step is to find out what underlying feelings and longings you and the other person have. These are usually the trigger for a vicious circle, but are not felt and communicated during an escalation. As soon as we realise, for example, that behind the criticism of spending too much time in front of the TV lies the need for more togetherness, we have a chance to break out of it. Couples therapy can help if the situation seems to be getting out of hand.
Why is it difficult for many people to spend so much time together?
Be honest: even if you are travelling with your best friend for a fortnight, sooner or later you will be annoyed by little things. In relationships, expectations of the other person are usually higher, which can lead to arguments even more quickly. Accepting this often works wonders and de-dramatises the whole thing. A pragmatic solution is to consciously create moments when you don't want to be disturbed by anyone.
Do existing problems also intensify in a crisis situation like the one we're in now?
Yes, existing problems may intensify or old problems may resurface. However, if the partners manage to support each other during the crisis and give each other a feeling of understanding and security, it may be possible to push the existing problems into the background.
How do couples manage to blossom right now?
Those who are able to distance themselves well from stress and worries and don't have significantly more work, but perhaps even more free time, can also use these moments constructively for the relationship.
As an expert, do you have any tips on how your partner can remain sexually exciting and attractive during this time?Firstly, it helps to talk about sex again and again. What is going well, where there is still potential, what would be desires and exciting fantasies. On the other hand, lust doesn't just start with your partner, and it's worth listening to yourself again and again and finding out what your own lust is like. Getting yourself into a lustful state usually also makes your partner seem more exciting and lustful.
How does sexual tension actually arise?
It can arise from a thought, a memory, a fantasy, a feeling, a physical sensation and many other things, such as a scent that reminds you of good sex or a physical touch in a sensitive area.
So the current situation can also be an opportunity to rediscover yourself sexually as a couple?
There is an opportunity in every situation if we seize it. Consciously creating times that are about sex doesn't just help during corona. Talking openly about fantasies and desires is a start. But it doesn't always have to be conversations. Alternating between doing whatever you feel like doing with your partner and only talking about it afterwards would be an idea.
There are couples who find it difficult to talk about sex or their fantasies. What can they do?
I would even say that most couples don't find it easy to talk about sex and fantasies. It takes courage, because it also makes us vulnerable. One way to make it easier is for both of you to take turns revealing something about yourself.
And what about singles, what can they do to combat possible loneliness?
In this day and age, there are fortunately many virtual opportunities to socialise with friends so as not to feel lonely. This also applies to sexual needs. Of course, it's not the same as real physical contact. I think it's important to fulfil physical needs for warmth and security in a different way. For example, touching yourself, applying cream or taking a bath. And by the way, studies show that even without quarantine, singles don't necessarily have hot sex with someone every night ;)
My life in a nutshell? On a quest to broaden my horizon. I love discovering and learning new skills and I see a chance to experience something new in everything – be it travelling, reading, cooking, movies or DIY.
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