When children argue, adults often only realise it when the argument ends in tears and shouting. How many conflicts children successfully resolve every day therefore usually remains hidden from parents and carers.
Every nine minutes, parents occasionally sigh and quote a study from Canada, siblings argue when they are between two and four years old. Every nine minutes! There are plenty of opportunities: Who gets the banana with fewer brown spots? Who will be the first to hold out in the swimming pool when dad pulls out the sun cream? Is the sticker sheet that Daddy has brought really on a par with the glitter stick for his sister? When will Elio finally stop playing Angry Birds?
Solutions from the world of children
Learn about feelings and boundaries
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Header image: Every nine minutes siblings fight when they are between two and four years old.
A passionate journalist and mother of two sons who moved from Zurich to Lisbon with her husband in 2014. Does her writing in cafés and appreciates that life has been treating her well in general. <br><a href="http://uemityoker.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">uemityoker.wordpress.com</a>
But there's another statistic in Canada: on average, it takes just two minutes for most conflicts to be resolved. And that's not all: children often find a way that doesn't leave anyone empty-handed, in other words a compromise. However, parents or carers are usually unaware of all these successful negotiations. German educationalist Mechthild Dörfler is therefore convinced that those who only listen when things get loud or someone is hurt are missing out on a lot. "Children have an astonishingly broad repertoire for communicating with each other in conflicts," she says in the book "Konflikte machen stark - Streitkultur im Kindergarten" (Conflicts make you strong - a culture of conflict in kindergarten), which she wrote with the educationalist Lothar Klein.
Children often come up with solutions that we adults would never think of. Silvio really wants to play Joseph? Then Jesus has two fathers in this nativity play. However, this creativity is not the only reason why Dörfler advises parents and carers to be present in the background when children are in conflict, but to hold back with advice and admonishments. "We intervene too early and too often," says the teacher, who also advocates letting children fight as long as no one gets seriously hurt. "We rarely grasp the children's entire conflict." Perhaps we are watching Ines kicking Svetlana's leg. But we don't realise that Svetlana laughed at Ines beforehand, and we also don't know why Svetlana was making fun of her and whether that was even her intention. Children don't argue just like that. Like us, they have a reason for their actions. They also realise from an early age that an argument is always about a relationship and that at some point, you won't have anyone to play with if you just go off on a tangent.
Nevertheless, there are times when adults have to intervene and separate children who are arguing. It is then important not to act as a judge, but as an advocate for all parties involved. Questions about why and who started it are of little help; they suggest intentional behaviour and that someone can be blamed. As a rule, however, conflicts simply arise out of a situation and are not consciously sought out by the parties involved. Every child should have the opportunity to describe their view of things, and for the adult this may also mean having to endure contradictions. The focus is not on finding a solution as quickly as possible, but on taking the children's feelings and emotions seriously - by letting them talk and ask questions without judgement, and only then looking for a solution together with them if necessary.
"Conflicts are not only unavoidable," write Dörfler and Klein, "they are also contexts that promote children's development as they grow up."Specifically, children learn to assert themselves and cooperate by negotiating with others, they agree on common rules and values, they learn about the feelings and boundaries of other children and develop a concept of themselves, they form friendships and change power structures. They rarely find conflicts annoying - it's the adults who are bothered by them.
