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by Ümit Yoker
How much of the Füdlibl blood can it be?
29.8.2017
Translation: machine translated
How do you enable children to deal with their bodies in a natural way - at a time when the fear of sexual assault is omnipresent?
Wednesday afternoon at the outdoor pool. A child rushes into the water. What remains on the towel: her swimming trunks. It's quite possible that a lifeguard will soon approach the parents of the naked girl or a concerned swimmer and ask them to put something on the child; the lifeguard explains that someone could take a photo of the child, or he cites hygiene reasons. Perhaps the father has already looked around himself to see if anyone is watching the goings-on in the children's pool with too much interest. So he whistles his daughter back and holds her swimming trunks out to him - and wonders whether something important for the child isn't falling by the wayside amidst all the adult discomfort.
There is a lot of uncertainty in society: Is my son allowed to touch his father's penis while splashing around in the bath with him? Up to what age are children allowed to bathe with their parents? Do I have to intervene if my daughter sticks her finger in her vagina while playing? How do I know that playing doctor among kindergarten friends won't cause any harm? Am I putting my child at risk if I let them play naked in the park? And: How do I enable children to use their bodies naturally despite everything?
Good body awareness starts on the changing table
Babies already want to explore their bodies. In the first few months of a newborn's life, bathing and nappy-changing times, when they can stay naked for longer periods of time, are the main opportunities for this. However, parents often quickly dress female babies again when they begin to feel their sex, according to a report by the Marie Meierhofer Institute for the Child on the topic of sexual development. "For the identity and pride of being a girl or a boy, a positive attitude of parents and carers towards the child's gender is essential." So if the girl feels the entrance to her vagina with her fingers and her parents say something friendly like "Yes, that's your vagina", she learns to understand this as equivalent to a sentence like "Yes, that's your little hand".
Toddlers should also be able to name their genitals
Girls and boys want to know what the different parts of their body are called, and most of them can name not only their legs, stomach and head at an early age, but also more detailed parts such as their forehead or heel. However, many pre-school children do not know the anatomically correct names of their genitals, according to the brochure "Sex education for young children and prevention of sexual violence", published by the Stiftung Kinderschutz Schweiz and Mütter- und Väterberatung Schweiz. Both boys and girls are also much more likely to have terms for male genitalia than for female genitalia. This means that the child not only lacks words to express feelings and experiences. They also sense that not all body parts are the same and that they cannot talk about their penis or vulva as freely as they can about their ears.
When the child explores its genitals in public
"A child who freely explores its orifices is not associating, it is simply curious, nothing more and nothing less. There are no fantasies, shame or prohibitions associated with it," write Anna von Ditfurth and Jeannine Schälin in the report by the Marie Meierhofer Institute for the Child. Children think nothing of it when they discover that some touches trigger pleasant and pleasurable feelings - it is the adults who interpret this as a sexual act. For example, the brochure from the Child Protection Foundation advises parents and other caregivers not to see these explorations as sexual behaviour in the adult sense, but primarily as a step in the child's development. Nevertheless, the feelings of other people must of course also be taken into consideration when a child touches itself in the playground, for example, or when guests are present at home. In such situations, you can ask them to continue their explorations elsewhere, for example in their room. However, children need to know that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with their need, but that the framework simply needs to be provided.
Adults show their children how to deal with their own bodies
Children don't just listen to what adults say - they also watch what adults do. Being a role model for them means dealing with personal sexual education and body awareness. But it doesn't mean that we have to ignore our inhibitions and feelings of shame. It is more important for children that parents are authentic and stand by their approach to parenting, write Bruno Wermuth and Colette Marti in the report by the Child Protection Foundation. And that any insecurities they feel do not lead to prohibitions that unnecessarily curtail the child's urge to explore and their enjoyment of pleasure. But when it comes to your own body, you can also set clear boundaries for your children: Because even knowing that your son wants to squeeze his father's penis or feel his mother's vagina out of childish curiosity, adults may find such touching unpleasant or even realise that it arouses them. In both cases, it is important to convey to the child firmly but undramatically that you do not want such explorations. Last but not least, you can show them that there are individual boundaries and that it is okay to say no.
A good body image also means prevention
The image of the lecherous stranger who tempts children with biscuits and sweets is a persistent one. Yet it has been known for some time: The vast majority of perpetrators of paedosexual violence are not strangers, but are part of the child's social environment or even the family; it could be the football coach or the primary school teacher, the stepfather or a good friend of the parents. In most cases, the perpetrators are well integrated into the community and, unlike paedophiles, their sexual interest is not limited exclusively to children. Of course, children should still be warned to exercise restraint when dealing with people they do not know. However, social pedagogue Bruno Wermuth does not believe in stories about evil men who abduct children. He is convinced that they arouse diffuse fears and convey the image of a dangerous and unpredictable world. "It's much more important to appeal to children to rely on their own feelings." Children need to know that they can say no and set boundaries if touching or comments feel strange - even if they come from trusted people. They need to know that there are good and bad secrets and that their body belongs to them alone. If a child is taught from an early age that their body is valuable and worth protecting in all its parts, if they have experienced what pleasure and delight feel like, but also that their signals of rejection are recognised and respected, all of this will be easier for them.
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A passionate journalist and mother of two sons who moved from Zurich to Lisbon with her husband in 2014. Does her writing in cafés and appreciates that life has been treating her well in general. <br><a href="http://uemityoker.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">uemityoker.wordpress.com</a>
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