Background information
When your child loses the game – and their temper along with it
by Martin Rupf
Is your child entering their pre-teens? Let them go, but don’t let them fall
9.2.2024
Translation: Katherine Martin
It’s a given that kids can be a handful when they hit puberty. What almost no one prepares you for, however, is the time leading up to it. The phase when your angelic child suddenly turns into a grouchy pre-teen, only to morph back into your smiley little darling a moment later. But there’s hope.
«We’re out of the difficult phase now,» is a phrase you’ll often hear from parents whose kids have just come through the exhausting baby and toddler stages. I’d go as far as to say they’re kidding themselves. As long as your kids are living at home, «the difficult phase» never ends. Each new stage of a child’s life presents a new challenge for parents, with pre-puberty being a prime example.
Everyone’s always talking about how stressful life is with teenagers. But no one prepares you for surviving the pre-teen years. That’s why I’ve enlisted the help of parenting coach Birgit Gattringer. She’s a Jesper Juul familylab trainer, a qualified mental coach for children and young people, and runs the Starkekids website with other experts (website in German).
When does pre-puberty begin and what does it involve?
The transition from primary school kid to almost-teenager can be extremely unsettling for parents. One minute, your child’s like your little shadow. They’re cute, dependent on you – and basically just out of diapers. The next, they’re grumbling at you, slamming the door in your face and twisting everything you say. Family days out? Boooooring. Then, before you know it, your 11-year-old’s jumping onto your lap and wanting their back stroked.
Not yet a teenager, but a pre-teen (pre-puberty begins between the ages of 10 and 12). In girls, it usually starts 1-2 years earlier. Interestingly, kids today hit puberty a year earlier than children in the 1970s did, as confirmed by this meta-study. As a result, pre-puberty starts earlier these days too.
During this transitional period, the brain and body psyche themselves up for the major changes they’re about to go through. As Birgit Gattringer says, this process has consequences: «Boys tend to withdraw and become less talkative. They have intense emotional outbursts, are often aggressive and experience more profound disruption to their sleep patterns. Girls, on the other hand, tend to be more irritable and argumentative. Their sense of shame is often more pronounced than that of boys.»
Common personality changes parents can «look forward to» include sudden mood swings, changing interests (bye-bye Lego and Playmobil) and friendships becoming more important. Pre-teens also want to have more autonomy and more of a say. Plus, their sleep patterns change. As their hormones slowly change, their bodies produce less melatonin, making it harder to fall asleep. Pre-teens may just find it more difficult to settle down in the evenings.
How to help your child through pre-puberty
All these changes can be really disconcerting for pre-teens, so they need their parents all the more during this phase of their lives. Here are Gattringer’s 10 tips for parents.
1. Lend an ear
«Your child should feel like their Mum and Dad are always ready to listen to them – even if their parents don’t understand them or their behaviour at that particular moment. And they should know they won’t be judged. There’s an attitude that’s key for parents to embrace – accepting their child for who they are.»
2. No to firing off solutions, yes to active listening
«Can you listen actively? Or do you have a tendency to reel off solutions to every problem right away? Adults often feel under pressure to have a solution for everything. Partly because we want to put a stop to things quickly so we can avoid strong feelings such as pain or anger. Do things differently with your pre-teen. Give them the space to open up. Active listening means taking a step back, looking at your child and listening to them. No matter what your child has to say, it’s okay. They can unload anything on you, whether it’s feelings, worries, ideas or naughty things they’ve done. In letting them do this, you’re showing that you’re there for them. You’re saying, 'I can take it all – even strong or unpleasant emotions'. And if you’re absolutely set on coming up with solutions, work with your child to find one. Just be sure to ask them first whether they want to hear your ideas instead of imposing your opinion on them without asking.»
3. Patience, patience and more patience. And even more understanding
«Your pre-teen is experiencing so many emotions right now. That takes a lot of patience and empathy from you. Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes. Keep telling yourself, 'Hey, my kid’s brain hasn’t fully developed yet. This is all they’re capable of right now'. Taking a calm perspective like this will help you accept your child as they are. That way, you won’t end up at war with them. Nobody wants to get into that spiral of fighting many parents talk about when their kids hit puberty.»
4. Let go of your child, but don’t let them fall
«During puberty especially, parents are advised to let go of their children. I see things in a more nuanced way. In my view, following that advice sometimes means abandoning your child. Let’s say you’re having an argument. Your pre-teen says something, you challenge them and you both feel a sense of resistance. What do we parents often do? Irritably respond by saying , 'I give up'. But when you do that, you’re giving up on your child – and your relationship – too. That shouldn’t happen. Parents should let their children go, but not let them fall. You always need to be your child’s safety net, no matter what happens.»
5. Allow your child to depend on you
«Whether they’re aged 10, 12 or even 16, children depend on their parents to provide them with a home and take care of them financially and emotionally. In the western world, however, we push and force our kids into independence. Then, it backfires. To give you an example, a 12-year-old can obviously make themselves a sandwich. But sometimes, even that’s too much for them. They’re stressed, tired and irritable – and all they want to do is fall into the parental safety net. If parents continue to be gentle, if they realise what their pre-teen needs in that moment, they should give it to them. If your child’s wound up or resistant, it’s especially counterproductive to rub salt in the wound by saying, 'Come on, you can make your own sandwich'. We adults can make our own coffee, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to go to coffee shops and have an attentive barista bring us a latte and a cookie then refill our water glass.»
6. Use hobbies or interests as a bridge to your child
«A child’s interests change in the lead-up to puberty – and adults might not always like these new-found interests. But the more you resist, the worse it’ll get. Your pre-teen will dig in their heels all the more, which will only cause fights and fall-outs. That’s why I advise parents not to give up, and to talk to their children about their interests. You have to be the one initiating this. Even if you’re not into computer games or the latest social media challenge, show a genuine interest in what your child’s doing. Ask them what exactly they like about it. Your child will feel like Mum or Dad see them and acknowledge who they are right now. No matter how strange your child’s interests might be at the moment, they serve as a bridge between you. They’re a way to stay connected to your child. That’s what it’s all about.»
7. Respect your pre-teen’s privacy
«There are parents who badmouth their child when they’re sitting less than three metres away. That shouldn’t happen. Similarly, parents shouldn’t be telling other family members about stuff going on with their pre-teen without their permission.Ask your child if they want to talk to you about something. Or if you yourself want to address an important topic with your kid, say 'Are your ready to talk about this?' first. If it’s a 'no', you initially have to respect that. However, bear the 'let go, but don’t let them fall' motto in mind. Parents can’t just disappear – they have to try to talk to their child again the next chance they get. That way, we can show our children what’s important to us and where we’d rather come to an agreement with them.»
8. Just when the big, wide world is calling, your pre-teen needs a safe haven
«Pre-teens don’t just experience mood swings and fluctuations in their emotions. They also veer between two poles: 'I need a lot of closeness' and 'I want to go out into the world'. They’re learning more about themselves and, at the same time, becoming increasingly interested in the outside world. What parents can do is keep the door to closeness open. This could be through a conversation, a hug or playing or cooking together. Children can refuel when they’re with their parents. Even if they want to withdraw back into their shells a moment later.»
9. Involve and encourage your child in decision-making
«Children demand more autonomy during pre-puberty. But they also want more of a say in group decisions. You can give them that say. Make a point of asking for your pre-teen’s opinion and respect it. Give your child the opportunity to take part in decisions, such as planning your next family day out or choosing a holiday destination.»
10. Accept that your role as a parent is changing
«Children are the greatest teachers when it comes to our own personal development. and this is especially true of pre-teens. The potential for the parent-child relationship to change, moving away from the closeness of the nest towards more freedom, is an exciting experience – for parents too. Parents start off being the alpha dogs of the family, but living with pre-teens changes things. You and your child then become sparring partners. This also involves stubbornness and rubbing each other up the wrong way – but always with goodwill. Has your child made decisions you disapprove of? Express your opinion and leave it up to them to decide what to do with it. If it turns out they’ve made the wrong decision, don’t be judgemental. Instead, sit down with your pre-teen and reflect together on what they could do better or differently next time.»
Header image: Shutterstock
Mareike Steger
Autorin von customize mediahouse
oliver.fischer@digitecgalaxus.chI could've become a teacher, but I prefer learning to teaching. Now I learn something new with every article I write. Especially in the field of health and psychology.
Family
Follow topics and stay updated on your areas of interest
2 comments
later