How to say «no» more often and nip people-pleasing in the bud

Moritz Weinstock

11.7.2024

Translation: Katherine Martin

Constantly doing right by everyone can be tiring. Rather than being an act of politeness, permanent people-pleasing can actually put you in danger. Before things get that far, you need to learn to say «no».

«Sure, I’ll do it.» «No problem, I’ll take over». «I’ll get right on it». «Consider it done». There are many people who can’t say no. People who’re constantly doing favours for others. As a result, they’re popular and well liked. At the same time, however, they end up manoeuvring themselves into ever greater problems and dependencies. The worst-case scenario? Chronic overwhelm, loss of agency and burnout. And only the latter is pathological. Everything leading up to that is, as Professor Wolfgang Lalouschek (website in German) explains, «ingrained, and perhaps also societally desirable». Either way, there’s no diagnosis for it.

So, what does Lalouschek, a neurologist and coach for prevention and treatment of burnout and stress-related illnesses, mean? Saying no, refusing tasks and questioning things isn’t something everybody learns naturally from an early age. Not in kindergarten, not in school and not from our parents. Even if this paints a slightly drastic picture, one thing’s for certain: saying no is something we need to actively learn. Even people in leadership positions aren’t born with the ability to do it.

How to combat chronic people-pleasing

So, what should you do if the word «no» struggles so bitterly to cross your lips? It can’t be cured with pills or medication. Learning to say no, Lalouschek says, «isn’t treatment, it’s work». The thing that helps is «going inside oneself», or as the expert calls it, getting the lay of the land: «People who say ‘yes’ all the time have forgotten to listen to or pay attention to their own desires.» This doesn’t just affect their behaviour and thoughts – it even influences their emotions. Everything revolves around the desires and requests of others. No wish is denied – especially not those of their colleagues or boss. So, how does the self-reflection exercise work?

«When people come to me and say they want to say ‘no’ more often, the thing I always ask them first is ‘what for?’ What do they want to achieve with their ‘no’?» The «how» of saying «no», he says, is simply the method. The reasons behind it, the «why», are much more important.

Only people who know what they want, be it more time for themselves or more freedom, can take the right steps in that direction. It’s only then that it’s useful to say «no».

Easy remedies: you don’t need therapy to stop being a yes-person

If something’s intrinsic, it comes from within. This also applies to the motivation to try new things – a fundamental drive if you want to effectively tackle chronic yes-saying. There’s a simple remedy you can use to help bolster your intrinsic desire to change your yes-person behaviour.

Using a sheet of paper with a scale from 1 (= I strongly disagree) to 10 (= I strongly agree) can help you make better decisions. In fact, you don’t even need to have the scale physically in front of you. Continually asking yourself ‘is this what I want?’ during face-to-face conversations is more than enough.

You can easily mark a point on the scale (either in your head or on a physical piece of paper in front of you) and figure out for yourself (even before the other person has given you a request or task) whether you actually want to do it. The advantage of this? Nobody knows about it, nothing’s been said yet, but you’ve already mentally established that a «no» is perhaps more appropriate than a «yes».

People-pleasing is normal: we all want to belong

Despite all this, there’s one thing worth bearing in mind. Saying yes and wanting to please other people is completely normal. However, as the University of Adelaide, Australia has written, the crucial thing with people-pleasing in social settings is how far you go with it. Constant people-pleasing can cause you to lose yourself and forget to listen to your inner voice and desires. There are a few things you should consider if you want to stop that from happening.

How to learn to say «no» more and «yes» less

- Self-reflection: Take the time to find out why it’s so important to you to make other people happy and not yourself.

- Setting boundaries: Saying no isn’t easy. However, as we’ve already covered in mentioning the scale exercise, it’s important that you set boundaries. First mentally, then in real life.

- Be good to yourself: Looking after yourself isn’t selfish – it’s important. You should only use your energy to help other people once you feel good in yourself.

- Open and honest communication: You should express your thoughts, feelings and worries openly. Don’t be afraid to ask for or take help from others. That’s right, you, too, are allowed to ask for help.

- Stay true to yourself: Make a list of things that are non-negotiable for you. That way, you won’t forget what’s really important to you. Allow your list to guide you and keep reminding yourself of it. You might want to hang it in your kitchen or stick it on your mirror.

Moritz Weinstock

Autor von customize mediahouse

oliver.fischer@digitecgalaxus.ch

Notebook, camera, laptop or smartphone. For me, life's about taking notes – both analogue and digital. What's always on me? My iPod Shuffle. It's all in the mix, after all. This is also reflected in the topics I write about.

Follow

---

Health

Follow topics and stay updated on your areas of interest

Follow topic

These articles might also interest you