Background information
I'll do it right now: The problem with precrastination
by Mareike Steger
How to say «no» more often and nip people-pleasing in the bud
11.7.2024
Translation: Katherine Martin
Constantly doing right by everyone can be tiring. Rather than being an act of politeness, permanent people-pleasing can actually put you in danger. Before things get that far, you need to learn to say «no».
How to combat chronic people-pleasing
«When people come to me and say they want to say ‘no’ more often, the thing I always ask them first is ‘what for?’ What do they want to achieve with their ‘no’?» The «how» of saying «no», he says, is simply the method. The reasons behind it, the «why», are much more important.
Only people who know what they want, be it more time for themselves or more freedom, can take the right steps in that direction. It’s only then that it’s useful to say «no».
Easy remedies: you don’t need therapy to stop being a yes-person
If something’s intrinsic, it comes from within. This also applies to the motivation to try new things – a fundamental drive if you want to effectively tackle chronic yes-saying. There’s a simple remedy you can use to help bolster your intrinsic desire to change your yes-person behaviour.
Using a sheet of paper with a scale from 1 (= I strongly disagree) to 10 (= I strongly agree) can help you make better decisions. In fact, you don’t even need to have the scale physically in front of you. Continually asking yourself ‘is this what I want?’ during face-to-face conversations is more than enough.
You can easily mark a point on the scale (either in your head or on a physical piece of paper in front of you) and figure out for yourself (even before the other person has given you a request or task) whether you actually want to do it. The advantage of this? Nobody knows about it, nothing’s been said yet, but you’ve already mentally established that a «no» is perhaps more appropriate than a «yes».
People-pleasing is normal: we all want to belong
How to learn to say «no» more and «yes» less
- Self-reflection: Take the time to find out why it’s so important to you to make other people happy and not yourself.
- Setting boundaries: Saying no isn’t easy. However, as we’ve already covered in mentioning the scale exercise, it’s important that you set boundaries. First mentally, then in real life.
- Be good to yourself: Looking after yourself isn’t selfish – it’s important. You should only use your energy to help other people once you feel good in yourself.
- Open and honest communication: You should express your thoughts, feelings and worries openly. Don’t be afraid to ask for or take help from others. That’s right, you, too, are allowed to ask for help.
- Stay true to yourself: Make a list of things that are non-negotiable for you. That way, you won’t forget what’s really important to you. Allow your list to guide you and keep reminding yourself of it. You might want to hang it in your kitchen or stick it on your mirror.
Header image: shutterstock
Moritz Weinstock
Autor von customize mediahouse
oliver.fischer@digitecgalaxus.chNotebook, camera, laptop or smartphone. For me, life's about taking notes – both analogue and digital. What's always on me? My iPod Shuffle. It's all in the mix, after all. This is also reflected in the topics I write about.
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