Guess the sex toy: what does that one do?
25.5.2018
Translation: Eva Francis
Video: Manuel Wenk
This is a sex game like no other. We’ve got two clueless participants and one more adept competitor playing guess the sex toy.
Video producer Manuel Wenk chose me (video producer Stephanie Tresch) and editor Ramon Schneider to take part in the «guess the sex toy» game. Here’s how it works: Manuel has picked out a few items from the Galaxus range that resemble or actually are sex toys. We then get to prod and poke them to find out what they’re supposed to be for. I feel like a big kid in a toy shop – albeit, erm, a slightly unusual toy shop.
It’s 9am and pretty early to have to be in front of the camera. I’m tired because I didn’t sleep much the night before. Can it get any better?
A hairy issue
The first item we had to guess got us scratching our head...
As soon as I saw this little triangle and its strange hard tongue, I knew it had to be a toy for women. Why for women, you ask? Pastel shades are always the cliché colour for products aimed at a female audience. Oh yeah, and there’s also the fact the thing is called Lady Shape. It’s emblazoned on the white «tongue».
And let’s be real… no guy will look at this and think it’s a good idea to shove it anywhere delicate. The sides are way too unforgiving for that. But both Ramon and I reckon it’d inflict more pain than pleasure on women as well. Our best guess is it’s some kind of contraption to prevent incontinence.
With the name Lady Shape, it almost implies it creates a nice, tight vagina, don’t you think? I’m envisaging some sort of exercise where you have to tense your muscles to stop it falling out.
We’re stumped.
Manuel takes pity on us and gives us a clue. It is for women, but you don’t insert it. Right, OK.
So if you don’t insert it, do you just lay it on top? But it doesn’t even vibrate. What kind of sad excuse for a sex toy is that?
I don’t believe it. Manuel has only gone and given us a shaving accessory. By gliding the razor round the implement you get to keep some fluff on your foof (and triangular-shaped fluff at that). Wow. I had no idea women or men for that matter – who’s to say intimate hairdressing is the preserve of the female gender? – needed such a thing.
The triangular shaving tool comes with another shaving shape and two disposable razors. If you do plan to give your bush a makeover, please do yourself a favour and buy a decent razor. You’ll only give yourself spots with those throwaway ones so I really wouldn’t risk it. I’m assuming if you’re going to the effort of redecorating down there, you’ll not want any pimples spoiling the finished look.
Putting on the glitz
After the first tricky round, it gets a lot easier. You’d think we were experts or something.
This silver stopper-shaped thing leaves us in no doubt as to what this is. We’re looking at a butt plug. Neither of us had to give it much thought. What’s nice is that the plug is decorated with a little rhinestone so even your bum has a bit of bling. It’s really quite attractive.
But what’s a butt plug for? If you want to try anal sex, I’d recommend using a butt plug first. That way your back door gets used to having incoming rather than just outgoing traffic. If you don’t practice beforehand, your body won’t thank you and you’ll probably regret it.
UVO – unidentifiable vibrating object
You’ve got to admit it looks like some kind of medical device. But believe me when I say this thing packs a punch.
I pick up our next item with interest. A cable connects a small box to two silicon pads that are almost one centimetre large. At the end of each cable are two loops on the upper side and a surface on the lower side with a slight raised section.
Light bulb moment. It’s got to be a heart rate monitor. No, a nipple stimulator. This contraption has me slightly baffled.
It needs two AAAA batteries to get the vibrations started. I quickly shove my fingers through the pad loops. They fit. I reckon it’s definitely something for your fingers or if you’re more agile, your toes. While the pads feel soft, the whole design is ugly and the colour makes it look look rather clinical. You’d think they could have come up with something a bit more creative. It is available in black but that doesn’t help much on the aesthetics front.
The little box features two buttons: one on and one off switch. The pads tickle my fingers when I switch it on and they trap them in a vice-like grip. Hey, I can’t help having fat fingers.
Ah, of course. Now it makes sense. Why use just your fingers when you can have vibrating, silicone pad-clad fingers do the job of stimulating the clitoris? This is a clear example of masturbation 2.0.
This device is probably more of interest to women, though. What do you think?
Personally, I like the concept. It lets you play about in a more targeted way and spoil yourself with little vibrations. My only concern is that the pads seem a bit tight for use over longer periods. Make sure you don’t end up with little blue fingers. If you do, I’ll know what you were up to.
I’m sure it would also make a great toy to enjoy together with your partner and they’d love being able to tease you with it. The vibrating pads might even be perfect for those evenings when you want to have sex but are just too tired.
And that brings us to the end of the game. It was certainly fun to mess around with all those gadgets. Verdict: playing guess the sex toy makes us laugh. Thanks, Manuel.
Stephanie Tresch
Video Producer
stephanie.tresch@digitecgalaxus.chMy world moves in 25 frames per second. As a journalist, I report – not because I can, but because I can’t help myself. After all, the world is full of stories that are waiting to be told. Adventures don't wait. From national to international news, hand me a camera and a mic and I've got it covered.
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