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Biting the Apple: late to the party with my first iPhone
by Maike Schuldt-Jensen
Transformers: actually, why do the extraterrestrial robots speak at all?
5.10.2020
Translation: Veronica Bielawski
Optimus Prime is quite the orator. Megatron likes to throw around insults. This makes zero sense in the context of robot communication. Because other protocols would be drastically more efficient in the event of an intergalactic war.
Anno 2007: a scene from the first Transformers movie.
«Why are we fighting to save the humans? They're a primitive and violent race,» says Ironhide, an Autobot.
«Were we so different? They're a young species. They have much to learn. But I've seen goodness in them. Freedom is the right of all sentient beings. You all know there's only one way to end this war: we must destroy the Cube. If all else fails, I will unite it with the spark in my chest,» answers Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots.
Countless authors and YouTubers have ranted about the plot holes in Michael Bay’s Transformers movies, but not one has ever dealt with the topic of communication. Because: no matter the language, the above scene makes no sense in the context of the movie.
The communication per se is the problem. It makes absolutely no sense for Autobots to talk to each other.
The assumed anatomy of a Transformer
First, we need to understand what a Transformer is. Let's take Optimus Prime, since he’s the Transformer who talks the most. His speeches at the end of each film, narrated by Peter Cullens, are always a lovely mix of corny and inspiring.
What’s more, we know that at least Optimus Prime must have a powerful built-in transmitter; at the end of every movie, he sends out a message into the universe in an attempt to reach other Autobots searching for refuge.
This transmitter is key: it’s the reason why it makes zero sense that the Transformers speak to each other.
MP3 versus AirDrop
Funnily enough, the speech in the first Transformers movie is exactly 60 seconds long. So, in one minute, Optimus Prime’s data output via loudspeaker measures 960 KB. And he sent the same thing out into the universe.
That’s mighty inefficient.
It would be much more reasonable for Autobots to communicate with each other via AirDrop, Huawei Share or Nearby Sharing. These are the protocols that Apple, Huawei and Android use to exchange data between two devices that are physically close to each other – a couple dozen metres apart, or so. Greater distances are also possible, depending on the transmission power of the two devices.
Huawei documents their technology quite well in their Developer Docs. They claim that the maximum speed under ideal conditions is 80 MBps. That means 4800 MB per minute. So, if the Transformers used Huawei Share, they could communicate with each other 5000 times more or 5000 times faster.
After some quick surface research, I’d recommend Huawei Share to the Transformers. Just because it provides reliable speeds so, as an Autobot, I’d be able to estimate how much data I can send in a given period of time. Because when the Decepticons attack, you’ve gotta act fast. The vague descriptor «fastest ever» is not good enough. The survival of the planet is on the line here. If not more.
In fact, the killer robots from outer space would be even faster, more efficient and more deadly. And importantly, quite a bit more battery-efficient. The transmission of sound requires a lot of mechanical work. The lips have to move, the volume has to be modulated and the voice has to be created through vibrations.
When it does actually make sense for Transformers to speak
There are certainly situations in which a Transformer does have to speak. The most obvious one being when a Tranformer is talking to the planet’s indigenous population. Because unless this population also happens to be composed of gigantic killer robots whose sharing protocol is identical to that of the Autobots or Decepticons, they’ll need to find some sort of compromise.
Bluetooth, perhaps? And, as a last resort: voice. Or maybe the hologram projector that Optimus Prime also has?
So there you have it. Last thing: no matter how stupid the movies are, Peter Cullen's voice is undeniably epic.
Journalist. Author. Hacker. A storyteller searching for boundaries, secrets and taboos – putting the world to paper. Not because I can but because I can’t not.
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