Ten cheese graters – from nifty to absurd
17.10.2024
Translation: Jessica Johnson-Ferguson
Is there such a thing as the perfect cheese grater? One that can tackle any type of cheese, is a manageable size, handy and easy to wash? I swear there’s no such thing. Instead, there are lots of bizarre graters to choose from.
I’m not a fan of grated cheese in a bag. It’s more tasteless than a Live Love Laugh print. But if you use freshly grated cheese, you have full control over what’s going on top of your food. My podcast co-host and grated cheese authority Judith has a very different view on this, as she explains in the latest episode of the Swiss-German podcast «Uftischt» from minute 24:25.
Taking grating into your own hands means you need a good grater. I have three of them and I’m still not entirely happy. The Microplane grates Gruyère too finely, the grater with the rotary crank clogs up if the cheese is too soft and the classic box grater can grate potatoes for Swiss national dish «rösti», but drives me nuts with cheese.
Unfortunately, I failed to find the ultimate grater in our range. However, I did come across a handful of gems. But they’re not what you think.
1. The rickety classic
You’ve probably experienced tearing off the skin on your knuckles with this rotary grater. Or turned and turned without anything coming out, only to realise the drum wasn’t inserted properly. If you use this grater correctly and only for hard cheese, it’s great. But it takes a while until anything comes out.
2. The hipster
This grater should come with a pair of black rubber gloves and some beard oil. Why? Because it would feel right at home somewhere in a food truck or a three-star Michelin restaurant. It does so little yet delivers so much. Especially if you like wafer-thin cheese slices, this one’s for you. It’s also great for truffles or nutmeg. In a restaurant, I was recently served perfectly grilled ox heart with horseradish shavings. It was divine.
3. The love swing
When you’re grating cheese, it’s important to place the container on a stable surface so you can exert as much pressure as possible on the grater. The designers of this swing obviously didn’t get the memo. It rocks back and forth like a love swing. If you have the technique down, you’ll definitely be satisfied. This also applies to this design.
4. The tall one
The trend towards ever-growing grinders, containing chili, nutmeg and Parmesan as well as pepper and salt, continues unabated. However, placing these tall cylinders on the table increases the risk of clumsily knocking them. And you know The Way Things Go when that happens. Fischli and Weiss would be proud.
5. The airbrush gun
What the hell is this? And how does it work? And why does it look like the love child of an airbrush gun and a Tommy gun? I’m so close to testing it in a video.
6. The specialist
It’s 1982. You’re driving to a department store to buy a microwave. But you don’t have enough money for it. Your eye’s caught by a marble thing. «Tête de Moine» is the Dubai chocolate of yesteryear and all the rage at parties, which is why you buy it and probably never use it again.
7. The knuckle-duster
This isn’t a cheese grater nor is it a martial arts device. It’s a raclette cutter. Or is it a musical instrument? After all, it has a string on one side. I’m confused.
8. The pyramid
What’s wrong with a good old box grater? How is this cone grater better? And why on earth is it wearing a wooden hat? Please, somebody answer me this in the comments.
9. The piece of art
Look away now if you suffer from trypophobia – the fear of irregular holes. There are also many other things wrong with this grater. Unless you put it on a pedestal in your apartment and tell everyone it’s art.
10. The flute
I must admit, Alessi products are like a cheat code for listicles containing absurd gadgets. No, this isn’t a thirteenth-century flute, but a «a novelty that will certainly give particular satisfaction to all consumers of large quantities of grated cheese», as the description says. Just take a look at those product images. I’m gobsmacked.
Have you come across the perfect cheese grater? Did I badmouth it in this article? Write me a comment with your tips.
By the way, here’s a mini square grater, almost like the one on the header image.
Header image: Shutterstock
Simon Balissat
Teamleader Editorial
Simon.Balissat@digitecgalaxus.chWhen I flew the family nest over 15 years ago, I suddenly had to cook for myself. But it wasn’t long until this necessity became a virtue. Today, rattling those pots and pans is a fundamental part of my life. I’m a true foodie and devour everything from junk food to star-awarded cuisine. Literally. I eat way too fast.
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