Guide
Defiant and rebellious: why your child’s «difficult phases» are so important
by Patrick Vogt
Good cop, bad cop: What really helps your child?
10.7.2018
Translation: Eva Francis
Most of us don’t want to be authoritarian parents. Nevertheless, mothers and fathers become entangled in power struggles with their children and threaten them with a raised index finger. But how can you be strong and consistent without regressing to educational methods from the fifties?
Nowadays, almost no one choses obedience and drill as their educational principles. Over the past decades, the relationship between parents and child has changed from a strictly hierarchical one to one in which many things are negotiable. Children's wishes and needs are heard. This is good.
Most of us don't want to be authoritarian mothers and fathers. And still, we probably catch ourselves at some point raising our index finger, threatening, yelling and swearing and possibly even grabbing our child by the arm. As the German couple and family therapist Achim Schad writes in his book «Kinder brauchen mehr als Liebe», parents don't do this because they think it’s a particularly good way to teach children. They don’t deliberately want to harm their child either. Rather, as he states, parents are left feeling helpless and powerless if being friendly, explaining and negotiating doesn't work – and this makes them fall back into those patterns they wanted to avoid.
Letting kids get frustrated
But why do such situations and power struggles occur between parents and children despite all the care and willingness to compromise or even give in? How can you bring up children without violence and yet be perceived by them as strong, determined and capable of making decisions?
According to Schad, the willingness to ask and negotiate rather than to demand often reflects the parents' desire for the child to understand and agree with their decisions. «Many power struggles occur because parents try to change the feelings and views their children have.» This doesn't mean you're not allowed to have discussions with your child, but rather that if you do, there needs to be potential for the child to have a say.
The German social pedagogue writes: «Parents should not primarily make their decisions dependent on the consent of their children. They need to accept, however, that children may not understand their view and may be frustrated and angry about the parental decision. Children have a right not to agree.» Parents who don't get worked up by this and stick to their decision in a friendly but determined manner will probably not make their children leap for joy – but they do convey guidance, stability and strength.
Expectations and confidence
When it comes to consequences in parenting, experts are divided: Are they, after all, not identical with punishments or threats? In Schad's opinion, the two educational measures aren't the same. While, as he explains, punishments and threats lead to obedience for fear or to defiance and rebellion, consequences teach children valuable life lessons. Those who punish, however, assume that no inner drive can induce the child to change its behaviour. The same applies to rewards.
Let’s take a look at an example: It's time for kindergarten, but the child absolutely refuses to put on shoes. In this case, neither a slap on the backside (punishment), nor the prospect of a chocolate treat (reward) make sense. Announcing there would be no telly time in the afternoon if the child did not put shoes on right away (threat) isn’t going to work either. Schad is convinced that children learn the essentials if they're given the choice between different behaviours – and learn to bear the consequences of their decision.
What does this mean? If I allow my child to leave the house with or without shoes, I actually have to let them walk barefoot on the cold asphalt for a few steps. Of course, as a mum or dad, this may make you feel pity or even guilty. But doesn't allowing a child to take a decision also mean trusting him or her to face the consequences? Don't children actually grow by taking on challenges and overcoming obstacles?
Consistent parenting also means that parents only allow their child to choose from behaviours that they are actually prepared to allow – and accept their child's decision, even if it's not the choice they were hoping for. A sentence such as «Either you do your homework or I'll give your Lego toys to the girl next door» is a disguised threat. This doesn't help and above all, it doesn’t provide the child with an experience to grow from. It might work once and the child gives in for fear of losing its Lego toys, but it will probably soon unmask the sentence as an empty announcement and realise its mother doesn't want to give away expensive Christmas presents either.
Strict daddy, kind mommy?
In times when many bookshelves are almost collapsing under the weight of all the parenting guides they're carrying, it's difficult enough for parents to find the right strategy for their own family. And if mothers and fathers also undermine each other's authority at home, it gets even more complicated. This is a typical conflict scenario (but doesn’t necessarily have to be this way): Women perceive their partners as being too strict, aggressive and hard fathers while men think their partners are not strict enough, too patient and inconsistent mothers. Such situations not only lead to more conflicts in the family, they're also a breeding ground for problematic alliances between one parent and the child.
The reason isn't that children aren't able to handle different educational styles – they can do that very well. However, as Schad writes, parents accepting each other with their differences or at least tolerating them is a prerequisite. He sums up cooperation in parental life with the following rules:
- The first person to react to the child is in the right. Of course, in the more hectic moments of family life, you don't always make the best decisions. But sticking to this decision is usually better than launching a new wave of mutual criticism or another discussion about who is right.
- Whoever's in charge of the child right then is in the right. Giving the partner a laminated step-by-step guide on how to bring the child to bed is a massive no-no.
- The other parent is supported in his or her decision. If daddy says no to more ice cream, then mommy won't allow the little ones to the freezer either – even if she herself wouldn't mind them having more.
Header image: Being too strict helps neither you nor your child.
A passionate journalist and mother of two sons who moved from Zurich to Lisbon with her husband in 2014. Does her writing in cafés and appreciates that life has been treating her well in general. <br><a href="http://uemityoker.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">uemityoker.wordpress.com</a>
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