F**k Valentine’s Day – 19 dates that prove you’re not missing out
Valentine’s Day can be a real pain in the backside when you’re single. Especially if you were far from love-struck by those last couple of dates. Put an end to your misery by indulging in a generous helping of schadenfreude! Here are 19 epic dating fails for your amusement:
I coaxed one of these anecdotes out of my colleague. The rest are little gems I found on Twitter.
1. Popcorn
“We were at the cinema eating popcorn. One piece fell down my cleavage. After I fished it out, he leaned over and whispered: What a lucky popcorn.”
2. Cup size
“The first thing he said when he saw me was: Cool, that’s a C cup, right?”
3. The philanderer
“The guy went to the bar to get me a drink. He spent 20 minutes there flirting with another girl.”
4. The egomaniac
“In the middle of the date he said: Enough about you. Let’s talk about me.”
5. One of many
“During our date at a restaurant, the waiter told me I was the third one this week.”
6. The enthusiast
“On my first date after a two-year relationship, the guy tells me he loves me.”
7. The ex
“My date spent the whole evening talking about his ex and their abysmal sex life.”
8. Answering nature’s call
“During our date, he disappeared to the toilet. After a while, he sent me a text saying: you should call a cab.”
9. The trainspotter
“I was on a date with a guy who had this thing for trains. Every time a train went buy, he abruptly stop speaking.”
10. Misunderstanding
“During our date it turned out that he wasn’t a date at all.”
11. Jurassic Park
“I’m a vegetarian and she ordered spare ribs. In no time, her face was covered in sauce. It was like watching Jurassic Park.”
12. Bellyache
“I told him I wasn’t feeling too good because of a bellyache. He asked me if I needed to do a number two.”
13. The husband
“Everything was going great. Until her husband showed up. He had just been to a business meeting in the same restaurant. She must have forgotten to tell me she was married.”
14. The family guy
“He wanted to know if I could have kids and told me he already had three and wanted a couple more.”
15. The ex
“He told me that he believed in first date coffee dates. But after seeing that I looked like his ex, he decided to take me out for dinner.”
16. The wino
“My date got completely hammered on our first date. The next day she sent me a text message asking if we’d met up as she couldn’t remember.”
17. The cat
“He came round to my place to pick me up and accidentally stepped on my cat.”
18. A family affair
“We went out to a restaurant. Sitting at the table next to us were her ex-boyfriend and her sister.”
19. The smoker
“At the end of the date, I lit a cigarette. This sparked the following comment from her: Once we’re together, you had better give that up.”
Know a “friend” who experienced a disastrous date or did something embarrassing? Thanks for sharing your story in the comments field below!
I love black humour, my small collection of jackets, Red Bull, furniture, lie-ins, British accents, dogs, laughing until I cry, Polaroid cameras, full ice-hockey stadiums and that moment when the red lamp lights up behind the right goal. Singing songs loudly and out of tune (and busting some matching moves) is also something I enjoy – as is strumming around on my guitar.