What concerns parents: External childcare and my guilty conscience

Myrtha Brunner

19.2.2019

Translation: machine translated

Time and again, I discuss employees and childcare with friends. What is right, what is wrong and why do we often have a guilty conscience no matter which working model we choose?

"Mum, why are you going to work?" A sentence that almost tears my heart apart every week when my husband and I take the little ones to their grandparents. Because a child doesn't know what work means. They don't know why the parent simply disappears for a few hours or maybe even days. Why mum or dad come home so late in the evening. His world consists of play and fun. It has no sense of obligation or responsibility. And it doesn't have to, it's a child!

However, I am selfish when I want to maintain my market value and talk to adults about normal topics in between. If I like to do employees that are not labelled "housewife"? If I want to earn extra money to give my family a more carefree life? I don't think so! Isn't it better for the child if the parents are doing well, if they are balanced and happy? I think so!

The will

"I want to enjoy my child because it's only little once" is often said by people who stay at home. Or "Don't you want to enjoy your child? It's only small once!" when it is formulated as a subliminal reproach. But sentences like "Why do you still want to work, you wanted a child!" or "Don't you think it's unfair to the child if you work, because you decided in favour of the child?" also make me think unconsciously. But can't parents still enjoy having a child, even if they work? Isn't the time available more intense because it is scarcer? Can't the relationship with the child be just as good or even better when you're working than when you're at home non-stop?

After a number of conversations with various parents, opinions in this area are extremely divergent. Some don't want to or can't work, others want to and can work and then there are those who have no choice and have to work because circumstances demand it.

Working models

For illustration purposes, you will find thirteen possible working models that can be combined with a child in the table below. Given the variety of jobs on the market, the list is by no means exhaustive. But it does give you an idea of how you could organise childcare. In the following list, "external childcare" refers to childcare that is not provided by the parents. This could be grandparents, a daycare centre, a childminder, neighbours or friends, for example.

Important: The chosen working model must be right for the family. It should not be an additional stress point that has to be dealt with every week. At this point at the latest, parents should reconsider the chosen childcare option or work with specialists to find other solutions. Mothers' and fathers' counselling is one possible point of contact.

Bad conscience

I now work 50 per cent and my husband works full-time. The children alternate between staying with their grandparents and going to daycare. Although our chosen working model works for us, we still have a guilty conscience at the end of the day. The little devil in my head that tells me to stay at home. But I don't want to - not now. And I'm sure it won't harm my little ones, quite the opposite. A day in external childcare can also offer opportunities. A chance for a shy child to learn to assert themselves, to share or to play with other children. A chance to intensify the relationship with grandparents, which I never had myself. Grandparents, but also other carers, offer the child another point of contact, open up their world view and show them other educational options.

But why still have a guilty conscience? I believe that every parent has the right to do what they want. Regardless of whether it's a career, mummy time, daddy time or other projects. Parents are not just mum and dad, but also wife and husband. They have the right to fulfil themselves despite having children. They have the right to self-determination, the right to time for themselves, the right to be selfish from time to time. In my opinion, happy and balanced parents provide a happier and more loving childhood. But there is a lack of acceptance among the population.
In Switzerland, part-time work is still not really established or desired in various sectors and in many companies. I believe that without this social expectation that women should stay at home at the cooker, my guilty conscience would not be so extreme. Regardless of whether it is financially necessary or not, the decision of who works how much should only be made by the parents themselves. I am fighting for my right not only to be a mum, but also a woman, to realise my dreams, to work AND to be a mother. But when I look into the eyes of my daughters, I also understand all parents who consciously decide in favour of quality time.

I have learnt to let go, hand over responsibility and trust. I now see the positives in the whole constellation - the opportunity. But I would be, no, I am also prepared to rethink the chosen working model if it no longer works. I hope that it doesn't come to that and that my guilty conscience will disappear at some point, despite or precisely because of my conscious decision to work part-time.

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Myrtha Brunner

Editor

myrtha.brunner@digitecgalaxus.ch

I’m the cook, cleaner, police officer, nurse, entertainer, motivator, author, storyteller, coach, organiser, chauffeur, lawyer and judge. To put it simply, I’m a mum to a daughter and not just a (Content) Manager at the office but also at home.

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