Painful partings, a lot of time apart and no daily routine together: anyone who has ever lived in a long-distance relationship knows about the pitfalls of long-distance love. Dr Peter Wendl, however, is fascinated by long-distance relationships: the couple and family therapist has specialised in the treatment of long-distance couples for many years and conducts research on the subject at the Central Institute for Marriage and Family in Society at the Catholic University of Eichstätt-Ingolstadt. In his book "Gelingende Fern-Beziehung" (Successful Long-Distance Relationship), he writes about the challenges, but also the opportunities of long-distance relationships.
Dr Wendl, can all lovers live their relationship at a distance? What quality should one bring along for a long-distance relationship?
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Peter Wendl: I lived in a long-distance relationship for seven years and at first I thought myself that I was not at all suited for it. That's already the answer: long-distance relationships are actually suitable for everyone, if they have to and want to. If you love someone, then the question doesn't arise at first. Apart from the ability to suffer and to endure longing, one thing is needed above all: the ability to cultivate a fulfilling everyday life on one's own. Those who only suffer without the other will not last long.
And what doesn't help?You write in your book: "The long-distance relationship is an unusual opportunity for both partners". What do you mean by that?Distance relationships are basically a training camp for love. Couples in long-distance relationships have to go to great lengths to be able to see each other. This costs money, time, desire and needs one thing above all: commitment ...... that means: whoever gets involved in a long-distance relationship really wants the relationship?.Exactly, if you love each other, you will definitely try long distance love. When we are apart from each other, we feel very strongly what we are lacking, precisely because the partner is not there: we get this feeling as a gift in the long-distance relationship. That's why in long-distance relationships you have to tell each other more often than in close relationships that you like being together. Otherwise the partners starve. The sentence: "It's nicer with you than without you" is the core task of the long-distance relationship.What benefits do you see away from the relationship for the partners individually?.In the time without the partner, we can use the time separately wisely for ourselves: We can pursue a hobby, maintain friendships or focus on our careers without competing with relationship time.Often, however, couples experience a long-distance relationship as difficult more than anything else. What are the biggest challenges?We don't share an everyday life together locally. While everyday longing can be an opportunity, it is often a killer. Many long-distance couples long to just be able to experience ordinary everyday things with each other. In principle, long-distance couples live in three worlds: You in yours, me in mine and then there is the shared world. The trick is to find an intersection in your world and mine.How do you create this intersection: what advice do you give couples on how to grow together despite distance?.The long-distance relationship quickly becomes a hamster wheel. You arrive on Friday, and on Saturday you catch up on many things that make up a relationship, such as sexuality or communication. On Sunday, you finally succumb to the departure blues. That's why I advise my patients to use ten days of holiday a year for extended weekends. Short holidays interrupt the hamster wheel and the couple gains a day together. And it is important to use the possibilities of the digital world and let the partner participate in everyday life in real time. If we don't, we start from scratch every week when we meet again.Do you have a tip for overcoming the departure blues and coping better with difficult goodbyes?.Distraction. It sounds banal, but it has a therapeutic effect. The person who is left behind first gets to feel the deficit more clearly. He or she should then be allowed to distract themselves, do something and meet friends. In my own long-distance relationship back then, we freed the arrival and departure days from all expectations: All moods and topics were allowed. This resulted in fewer disappointments and we were able to get through these challenging days well. Couples in a long-distance relationship can learn to understand the departure blues also as a proof of love. Because difficult goodbyes show: I want to be with you and I am less well when I am not with you.You do a lot of research on long-distance relationships. Do you have an explanation for why more and more people are in long-distance relationships? Is the long-distance relationship the relationship model of our time?.When I wrote my doctoral thesis on the long-distance relationship, it wasn't even in the Duden dictionary. The long-distance relationship was considered a shortcoming for a long time, but today it is no longer something unconventional. We assume that every seventh relationship in German-speaking countries is a long-distance relationship. Why has the willingness to enter into long-distance relationships increased so much in recent years? It's because of the possibilities of real-time communication. Millions of people get to know each other via online platforms. There they can share their everyday lives, get to know each other from a distance and stay in touch. Travelling has also become cheaper: If I wanted to, I could fly to the other side of the world in a day to visit someone.Many people cannot afford regular air and train travel. Isn't a successful long-distance relationship also a question of money - and time?.Couples naturally need the time perspective: How long should the long-distance relationship last and how often can we see each other? In the end, this also has to do with financial possibilities. Most of the time, however, long-distance couples almost always manage to create the right conditions to endure the distance. The prerequisite for this is that both partners really want the relationship. However, we observe that couples with fewer financial resources move in together earlier, whereas career mobility and longer-term long-distance relationships are more common among academics. It is almost always the case that both partners really want the relationship to last.Is every long-distance relationship doomed to fail sooner or later? In your book it sounds like it, you write: "This form of relationship can hardly become a habit"..No, a long-distance relationship does not have to fail. I have couples in treatment for whom it is clear that they will spend their entire professional lives in long-distance relationships. Think of airline pilots, top athletes or sales representatives. With these couples, it becomes more of a challenge what happens when you suddenly live in the same household..And? What do couples have to be prepared for when moving in together?.When moving in together, the allure is lost to some extent and the mundanity sets in. We stop glorifying the partner and we notice flaws that didn't bother us in the weekend relationship. Often the day comes after four to six months of living together. I then advise my patients: mark this day in the calendar. From now on it will (also) be work.Do you have any tips on how this work can succeed?.When everyday life gets exhausting, it can do you good to stay in a long-distance relationship every now and then. Allocate times apart, meet friends and pursue their own interests. Of course, a special challenge exists for the partner who leaves friends, job and family behind, perhaps even in another country, for the relationship. Ideally, you then move into a new flat as a couple, build something of your own and thus prevent one partner from feeling like a mere guest at the other's.What distinguishes couples who survive a long-distance relationship well?Willingness to compromise and the ability to live an everyday life independently of each other. In the end, those long-distance relationships survive in which both the motivation among the partners and the time perspective are clarified. The basic question of why one is together must be clear between both partners. Then you can manage it.If it is not necessarily proximity: What really keeps us together in partnerships?.I would like to say: love. But that's too simple. What is true for all relationships is true for long-distance relationships: partnership is hard work. In long-distance relationships, we constantly get the chance to go through hard times together. And that is ultimately what welds us together as a couple.Titelbild: shutterstock
