Setting boundaries with children, but how?
Boundaries teach children more than that you can't just eat strawberry ice cream and that it hurts Paul if you pull his hair. However, experts Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson are convinced that how much and what children learn depends very much on how parents proceed.
It doesn't work without boundaries. Medical doctor and child and adult psychiatrist Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, psychotherapist for children and adolescents, are convinced of this.
Just as we teach our children how to tie their shoes and write their names, we also need to teach them that they can take their anger out on the sofa cushion, but not on their brother's shin and that surprise eggs are only really good for breakfast in exceptional cases. The two American experts are convinced that this is the only way for children to learn to take other people's feelings into account, deal with frustration and sometimes put aside a wish in order to achieve a goal. However, threats, punishments and time-outs are of little use in teaching these skills, write Siegel and Bryson in their book "No-Drama Discipline" and point out other ways.
Be there
Whoever is overwhelmed by strong feelings - and young children regularly are, after all, the ability to keep them in check has yet to develop - first needs to regain their composure. It is therefore of little use in such moments if we start lecturing and admonishing, and let's be honest: if you are an adult crying into your pillow because the love of your life has run away, sayings like "You're sure to find someone better" don't help much at first. What we can do for our children: Be there, convey calm, give them a hug, let them know that we recognise their feelings ("That's made you really angry, hasn't it?"). When children rage, it undoubtedly gets on parents' nerves - but it's not a pleasant situation for the little ones either.
Just shut up for once...
"You know, Iris was only allowed to invite five friends to her birthday party because her mum said there wasn't room for more children in her living room, but if she had a garden, you would have been invited too, and Paula's birthday is coming up soon and she'll probably invite you to her party." Sometimes parents just have to shut up. Maybe the daughter will then tell you of her own accord why she spilt her Ovi on Luisa's skirt ("Luisa said that Martina is now her friend!"). Or perhaps a few tears simply need to be allowed to flow first. In any case, explaining, threatening or asking why is of little use at such moments. Even small children usually know very well that they shouldn't pull their siblings' hair or tip the spaghetti onto the kitchen floor. If they do, it's most likely because they are overcome by a thunderous feeling.
...and let some time pass
Maybe ten minutes will be enough for the situation to calm down again and for our children to be open-minded enough for us to address their behaviour again. Sometimes, however, and especially with older children, it can also make sense to wait until after dinner or to postpone the conversation until an afternoon when you can relax on the couch together. And it's not just children who sometimes need time to settle down, but us parents too. That's why, in certain situations, it's better for us to take a deep breath, send the children into the garden for ten minutes and make a coffee than to start ranting straight away.
Set boundaries and show alternatives
When we show our son understanding for the fact that he would love to destroy his sister's Lego tower out of anger, this does not mean that we approve of such behaviour. Taking our children's feelings seriously, Siegel and Bryson emphasise again and again in their book, does not mean that their actions have no consequences. However, if we want our children to grow from such situations and acquire skills for a satisfying life, blanket punishments such as banishment to the nursery are of little use. Instead, consequences that are directly related to the behaviour can be useful. So if the five-year-old has just torn a page from his brother's favourite book, you give him a roll of sticky tape and ask him to mend the book. And if the daughter has not only eaten her own Schöggeli but also her cousin's, she may have to buy him a new one with her pocket money. Sometimes, however, it's enough to draw our child's attention to the fact that someone else is sad or alone; we can then ask them what we could do about it, let them have their say with their own suggestions as to how else they could express their anger, apart from throwing sand around wildly.
And last but not least: Everyone has a reason for their behaviour, even the youngest children, and we would do well not to simply assume malicious intent, but to ask again and again with sincere curiosity about the reasons that drive our children. And if we ourselves let our anger get the better of us, get disproportionately loud and throw ridiculous threats around, our children can also learn from us: everyone makes mistakes and has to apologise afterwards. That's just part of being human.
A passionate journalist and mother of two sons who moved from Zurich to Lisbon with her husband in 2014. Does her writing in cafés and appreciates that life has been treating her well in general. <br><a href="http://uemityoker.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">uemityoker.wordpress.com</a>