Background information
This culinary guilty pleasure from my childhood is still a banger
by Patrick Vogt
I’ve ranked French fries by type so you don’t have to
24.7.2024
Translation: Katherine Martin
French fries are like golden-brown, potato-y crack. And they always stick around as food trends come and go. The latest episode of our «Uftischt» podcast caused a pretty heated discussion over the snack. Inspired by that conversation, I’ve created my personal league table of French fry varieties.
Yep, I said it: «Skinny fries are the best fries.» Much to the horror of my podcast co-host Judith. In the latest episode of our Swiss-German food and drink podcast «Uftischt», my revelation left her feeling downright shocked.
You can listen to that part of the conversation (in Swiss German) from 11:08 onwards.
So without further ado (or anybody asking for it), here’s my personal, indisputable French fries league table.
The best kind of fries
1. French-style skinny fries
2. The kind you get at the pool
3. Belgian style
4. Chunky chips
Though similar in size to Belgian fries, British chips are slightly less crispy as they’re not double-fried. A non-issue in my book, seeing as they’re served with traditional malt vinegar and not mayonnaise. And that’s exactly their appeal. Rather than being crispy, they’re slightly acidic and soft. Classic pub grub.
5. Boozy fries
These are the fries you wolf down at 2 a.m. The ones from McDonald’s are amazing, as are the ones from Burger King. My one issue is the almost Pavlovian guilt response I feel upon eating them. I usually end up with a few fries left over, which I’ll risk trying the following morning, only to discover how unbelievably crappy cold fries taste. Even so, it’s enough to earn them fifth place.
Fries I wouldn’t eat under any circumstances
1. Country cuts or wedges
Country cuts are like the musician Kid Rock – a relic of the noughties that’s unfortunately found its way into the present day. Wedge-shaped fries are never perfect. They’re either under-fried and soggy or dry as dust. Not only that, but they’re over-seasoned with garlic powder and other filth. Who’d want such a thing?
2. Sweet potato fries
I wouldn’t count sweet potatoes among my favourite veggies. Still, it seems perfectly reasonable that deep-frying them would make them enjoyable. After all, deep-frying makes anything better. Except sweet potatoes, apparently. All these fries do is absorb grease while remaining floury. Truly dire.
3. Loaded truffle fries (or any other type of loaded fries for that matter)
Fries covered in artificial truffle flavouring taste appalling. Using fresh truffle doesn’t improve matters. And I’d say exactly the same thing about bacon, jalapeños or melted cheese. Not only are loaded fries impossible to eat with your hands, but the poor-quality ingredients turn an acceptable snack into a jarring cacophony of flavours.
4. Crinkly and curly fries
If you ask me, fries cut in novelty shapes are an abomination What’s wrong with the classic stick shape? Absolutely nothing, that’s what. There’s simply no need for crinkle-cut fries. Or curly ones.
5. Any fries with ketchup
The only sauces with any business being on a plate of fries are mayonnaise- or vinegar-based. Ketchup is a definite no-no. So-called red-white fries, which come with ketchup and mayonnaise, are borderline. In my opinion, not mixing the two sauces together is questionable at best. The only place I like ketchup, if at all, is on a burger. But definitely not on fries – I’m a purist in that regard.
So, that’s my ranking of the best and worst types of fries. What kind do you like best?
Let me know in the comments and subscribe to our «Uftischt» podcast for more silly discussions on the world of food. It’s the best topic there is, after all.
Click here to listen to «Uftischt» on Spotify or here to subscribe to it in the app you use.
Header image: Shutterstock
Simon Balissat
Teamleader Editorial
Simon.Balissat@digitecgalaxus.chWhen I flew the family nest over 15 years ago, I suddenly had to cook for myself. But it wasn’t long until this necessity became a virtue. Today, rattling those pots and pans is a fundamental part of my life. I’m a true foodie and devour everything from junk food to star-awarded cuisine. Literally. I eat way too fast.
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