"I decide who annoys me" - How to gain more inner sovereignty
18.3.2024
Translation: machine translated
Who wouldn't want to let misunderstandings, anger and resentment simply bounce off them? In her book of the same name, self-management coach Karin Kuschik provides "50 sentences that make life easier" and thus a compass for more inner confidence.
Who hasn't wished they could react confidently and calmly to inappropriate comments in nerve-wracking situations or when dealing with unpleasant people? To simply blurt out a cool and relaxed sentence that leaves the other person speechless without crossing the line - surely a daydream that many people dream of. Coach Karin Kuschik's current Spiegel bestseller "50 Sätze, die das das Leben leichter machen" (50 sentences that make life easier) brings her readers closer to this in a humorous way.
Each chapter in the book stands on its own, comprises one of the 50 sentences and is always structured in the same way: Kuschik describes little anecdotes from real life that could have infuriated the people concerned. Based on the calm reactions of these people, the author shows how you can remain calm and react confidently in such moments. Finally, she summarises in three key words what each sentence gives you.
"Then I'd rather take it easy"
A wedding party in Thailand: the bride's sister is dressed in a spotless white sarong, but is standing awkwardly next to a German tourist who is struggling with the cap of a bottle of soya sauce. You can guess what happens next: the bottle pops open and the soya sauce spreads all over the now not-so-white dress. The bridesmaid's reaction to the completely ruined dress? "Mai pen rei", "Never mind!". But not simply out of politeness, but as a formula for life, which Kuschik translates as equanimity: "Whether it does anything or not, we simply decide that it doesn't matter to us."
Let's just not let little things spoil our happiness.
The word "simple" in these sentences is perhaps somewhat misplaced. At least as long as the equanimous reaction has not yet been practised. But the author has a good point: instead of putting all your energy into excitement, anger or fear, you can also invest it in practising calmness until equanimity comes naturally at some point.
What does this sentence give you? Relaxation, self-determination and a whole lot of lightness, writes the author.
"It's best to forgive myself right away"
What are the biggest interpersonal fears that people harbour? The fear of failing and the fear of not being loved. And we are often our own biggest critics and crush ourselves relentlessly after small mistakes, even though nothing can be changed afterwards.
Not so a psychologist who Kuschik once visited for training in energetic psychology. The lesson was about the author's phobia of syringes. It took 90 minutes of order clarification, muscle testing, practising procedures, taking notes, checking results and so on, until the psychologist said: "If you do it the same way, your fear of lifts will be gone too." She had been trying to treat the false phobia the whole time. Her reaction, which made Kuschik curious, was all the more astonishing: "Then I'd better forgive myself right now". Instead of stammering an apology full of shame, she decided to deal with it professionally and confidently, writes the author. The sentence gives: Self-love. Composure. Empathy.
For if we can accept a portion of tolerance for ourselves instead of our often merciless judgement and all the embarrassing feelings that this entails, we can move from being victims of circumstances to creators of possibilities.
"I'm not sure what that means"
In this chapter, Kuschik tells the story of a client: after an appointment with her boss, she thinks her presentation at an important conference has been cancelled for no reason. The boss hadn't mentioned her, she wasn't mentioned on the slides and he kept avoiding her gaze. That was enough for her to continue constructing the story in her head and start looking for a new job.
Why hadn't she followed up? In order not to let their anger and excitement show in their tone of voice, many people hold back in such cases. But this inappropriate restraint is what really sets the misunderstanding in motion. A casual "When is my presentation planned?" would have defused the situation immediately. In fact, the client found out when asked: the boss had had eye treatment shortly before the meeting. He had therefore not edited the slides himself, which meant that the client's presentation was inadvertently missing. The impaired eyes meant that he did not notice the absence himself and also explained why he kept averting his gaze.
We tend to construct reality. If we don't ask questions in order to categorise our assumptions, this can quickly lead us in the wrong direction. That's why the author advises us to use simple sentences more often, which are rewarded with a lot of clarity: "I'm not sure what that means", "I'm not sure what you mean by that" or even "I'm not sure what that means for me specifically".
Curious now? Then have fun reading or listening to these three and the other 47 sentences for more inner confidence.
And if you also want to know the best way to say what you want, you can read on here:
Header image: Nicoleta Ionescu/Shutterstock
Science editor and biologist. I love animals and am fascinated by plants, their abilities and everything you can do with them. That's why my favourite place is always outside - somewhere in nature, preferably in my wild garden.
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