Ghosting in friendships: suddenly, she was gone

Anika Schulz

23.9.2025

Translation: Patrik Stainbrook

She never even received my last WhatsApp message. Since then, I’ve only been wondering one thing: what happened? An expert sheds some light.

Me: «I think we should take a break. We’re just not on the same page.» – Her: «Yes, I agree.» Bam, call ended. That was the last time I heard from my friend. Three days later, her profile picture on WhatsApp had disappeared.

Since then, I’ve been at a loss: did she really block me because of one argument? Or was her reaction foreseeable after all, perhaps? You see, our friendship had drastically changed before the big blow-up. She hardly ever answered the phone, rarely called back and far too often only replied to text messages with a 👍. And when we did talk on the phone, she’d rant about her partner and her job. At first, I listened patiently and put my issues on the back burner. «She’s going through a hard time, she’ll get over it,» I thought. After all, we’d known each other for years.

But when that phase ended up dragging on for months, it started to have an effect on me. On the one hand, I was worried about whether she was okay. On the other, I was annoyed by her always cutting me off. Our friendship had gone off the rails.

No cathartic, clear conversation

I thought long and hard about how to express my feelings. But when I did, we immediately clashed. «I wish you’d take more time for our friendship again. Could you?», I asked. She blocked me off, pushed back. «That’s really selfish of you. I already have so much on my plate and now you come along.» Boom. I was completely taken by surprise, even more confused. You’ve already read how this conversation ended in the first paragraph.

She’s been ghosting me ever since. What remains are mixed feelings and endless question marks. Did I say something wrong? Has she resented me for a while? What’s even going on anyway? But before getting lost in speculation about the «why», I’d rather find scientific answers.

What does the science say?

Ghosting is nothing new, at least since Tinder and the like. If you don’t want a second date, just don’t get in touch again. In contrast, the University of Vienna has also published a study on ghosting in friendships. And its findings made me think deeper. As the study states, «Individuals with high self-esteem may be more likely to employ ghosting […]». Overwork or depressive tendencies, on the other hand, only play a minor role. That surprised me. Until now, I thought that only conflict-avoidant people cut off contact without warning.

So, I talked to the author of the study, Michaela Forrai, to get a better understanding of the experience with my friend. «Ghosting can be a conscious and active decision. However, messages can also simply be forgotten or left aside until later, for example. If too much time passes, you sometimes can’t even answer since it’s ‘too late’,» Forrai explains. «If you’ve been ghosted, you usually won’t know which of these it is. It’s precisely this uncertainty that makes ghosting so difficult to deal with.»

I can’t imagine that my friend didn’t have the courage to reply late. It just doesn’t sound like her. She also blocked me, after all. Did she simply stop liking me? That’d mean we both share the same feeling: namely that our old way of getting along stopped working. But why couldn’t we talk about it then? Forrai: «Ghosting can initially seem like the easy way out. People with high self-esteem ghost more often and are generally more likely to forgive themselves. Maybe that’s why they’re more willing to accept the consequences for the people they ghost – who in exchange often get sad and overthink.»

The solution: straighten yourself out and move on

I felt the same. It’s why I decided to write an e-mail to my friend a few weeks ago. Did she read it? Beats me. I just wanted to send her a few words, expressing that I think it’s a shame how everything has developed. But also that I saw it coming. And how weird I think she’s behaving.

Was that a stupid idea? «No, you can do that if it makes you feel better. But if you’re sure it’s a mistake, a quick 'I hope you’re okay and I’d love to hear from you anytime' can help you get back together. However, you shouldn’t expect an answer in either case, as this could only grow frustration,» advises Forrai.

Clear words – and a completely new perspective. I’d previously assumed that «it takes two to argue», as my mother puts it so beautifully. But I’m slowly coming to the realisation that this here could be different. And that feels liberating. I can make my peace. And who knows? Maybe the free slot in my circle of friends will be filled by a better match eventually.

Want to find out more about ghosting? Then take a look at this book. It describes the phenomenon from two sides: the ghostee, and the ghosted.

Non-fiction

Ghosting

German, Tina Soliman, 2019

Have you ever been ghosted – and how did you deal with it? Tell me about it in the comments.

Anika Schulz

Teamleader Editorial

Anika.Schulz@galaxus.de

As a child, I was socialised with Mario Kart on SNES before ending up in journalism after graduating from high school. As a team leader at Galaxus, I'm responsible for news. I'm also a trekkie and an engineer.

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