«Mummy, that’s f***!»: Help, my kid curses like a sailor
4.5.2023
Translation: Katherine Martin
My daughter has discovered the F-word, and I’m partly to blame. An expert explains why I’m powerless to stop her dropping the f-bomb, and what I can do instead.
«Fuck!» My full bowl of cereal had just shattered into a hundred pieces on the parquet floor – an accident with serious implications. Not for my parquet, not for my crockery collection, but for the vocabulary of my four-year-old daughter. This one slip was enough to trigger an avalanche of curse words.
The fact that the same word was the subject of a lunchtime radio show the following day – obviously at the exact moment I was driving with her in the car – did the rest. Murphy’s law. Of course, her ears pricked up. After all, she’d just heard the term straight from her mother’s potty mouth. Demanding that she quickly forget the F-word only made things worse.
Since then, my little one has been cursing like a sailor. Even though she has no idea what the F-word means, she uses it to wind me up, to tease her sister, and whenever something rubs her up the wrong way. So I’m left asking myself: how can I expel the term from her vocabulary as quickly as possible?
A cry for attention
According to the charity Pro Juventute, I can’t. That’s the bad news. The good news is that swearing is completely normal, even at – or especially at – this age.
«It’s part and parcel of healthy development,» says Anja Meier, Media and Policy Advisor at Pro Juventute (site in German). Ultimately, children need an outlet for their emotions and feelings too. «Kids are fascinated by swearing. They use it to test boundaries and our reactions, asking themselves, 'How much attention will this get me?'»
They also imitate us. Adults and older siblings swear often, which, Meier says, makes it all the more important to stay calm and ignore curse words when they slip out. «If that attention doesn’t arise, swearing soon loses its fascination.»
Oh shii… take mushrooms!
If parents find their children’s curse word-ridden outbursts distressing, or think intensely negative emotions are at the heart of them, they should address the issue directly. Anja Meier advises doing the following three things:
- Validate feelings. Don’t respond to the word itself. Instead, in a calm tone, focus on the need behind it. Ask, «Why are you saying that? Are you scared? Are you sad?»
- Point out the meaning of swear words. Look at the issue from each other’s point of view. Ask each other how you feel when the other person swears.
- Find alternatives. Together, come up with code words for times you’re feeling worked up such as «shiitake mushrooms», «holy moly» or «what the fudge». If these phrases ever fall short, head outside to yell out your frustration. Having a swear jar and a set of small, symbolic charges is also a playful option for violations of the family cursing rules.
Children's books
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Der Grolltroll... grollt heut nicht!? (Bd. 2)
German, Barbara van den Speulhof, 2019
Basically, it’s important to respond to foul-mouthed outbursts with composure and humour, says Anja Meier from Pro Juventute. Banning swear words, she continues, is pointless anyway. «Sure, it’s tiring, but it’s the same for every parent.»
As is so often the case when it comes to kids, this is comforting to hear. I pass the first test with flying colours. «Mummy, that’s fuck!» my daughter says angrily when I ask her to tidy up for the third time. She grins at me for a few seconds, knowing full well she’s just used a «forbidden» word. I keep my cool and grin back at her. I tell her again to tidy up without mentioning the swear word.
Shit, she’s just going to keep it doing it now, I think to myself, mentally tossing a franc into the swear jar.
Header image: Katja Fischer
Katja Fischer
Senior Editor
Katja.Fischer@digitecgalaxus.chMom of Anna and Elsa, aperitif expert, group fitness fanatic, aspiring dancer and gossip lover. Often a multitasker and a person who wants it all, sometimes a chocolate chef and queen of the couch.
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