Product test
Online shopping for advanced shoppers
by Patrick Bardelli
«Did somebody say penis?»
6.12.2018
Translation: Jessica Johnson-Ferguson
We all love a good fancy dress costume, but judging by the following models, the manufacturers definitely waved goodbye to creativity. Their motto seems to have been: As long as there’s genitalia, we’re on to a winner.
A few days ago, my fellow editor Vanessa Kim showed me a strange costume available from our range. We were both in stitches over it. After catching our breath, we did a little research and found an impressive amount of similarly explicit models in our shop. I do not want to deny you of these gems and put together a small but fine selection. Enjoy!
Phalli as far as the eye can see
In the spirit of the season, I’d like to kick things off with this particularly original Santa Claus. Whether you’re at work, out and about or at a family get-together. This costume will definitely make you a laughing stock or get you arrested. Feast your eyes on the mistletoe above his crown jewels. If that’s not an invitation, I don’t know what is.
Forget about everything around the penis. Who needs the man attached to it anyway? All they are is trouble. So let’s focus on what’s important. Judging by the look on the model’s face, he did not enjoy the photo shoot too much. Is it just me or does he look a little peed off? :)
This is where things start getting weird. Personally, I don’t think this costume makes much sense. Sure, the guy’s got a colossal schlong but what’s up with the rest of it? Why is he wearing a wig? What’s up with the fluffy bra? And why has he put on that hideous pink cardigan?
Now it’s time for a wee trip up north. Welcome to the Scottish Highlands! Explore unspoiled nature, harsh weather and a drunk fellow lifting his kilt to show off his overdimensional knob. Great!
Rumour has it that the following accessory is guaranteed to go down a bomb at any stag do. Personally, I find that kind of bachelor party cringeworthy. A bunch of drunk dudes wearing identical T-shirts, armed with a handcart full of liquor and a victim aka the groom. This totally misses the mark, in my opinion. Just enjoy your special evening like civilised people and stop bothering passers-by!
Hang on a minute. The sperm is holding the penis in its hand? And why on earth is the willy smaller than the sperm? Speaking of which, something’s very wrong with that sperm! All it is, is a white overall and a silly-looking pointy hat worn like a hood. The designer must have fallen in a creative abyss that day.
Outlandish racks
This particular range has far more phalli than breasts. However, I did come across two costumes that on par their male counterparts.
For one, there’s this beautiful Baywatch mermaid. Not only does she have a hairy face, her nether regions are revealing an impressive amount of fur sprouting from behind that red bathing suit. But the true showstoppers are definitely those overdimensional, artificially enhanced boobs. They’re so big, in fact, that there just wasn’t enough material to cover the nipples with the lifeguard logo.
Another feast for the eyes is this sweet old lady with her kneepads. What I find particularly disturbing is the product description: «Give your bride a glimpse into the future and let her experience the feeling of being an elderly housewife rattled by gravity.» Say what?
